A million miles to Mia

See Ya On The Flip Side...

2011-05-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

No sleep was had here last night. None. I didn't plan it that way. But I was literally packing until the last minute. I thought I was pretty organized. But somehow actually getting it all INTO luggage and within weight limits was harder than I thought it was gonna be.

Partly because I was pretty convinced I could do it without taking a second rolling carry on. Most people tend to take those and a backpack as their "personal item". I didn't want to carry that much luggage. I managed to do it! I made it all fit into 2 checked duffel bags, 1 carry on, 1 backpack and 2 personal items. One of the duffel bags was exactly 44 lbs when it was weighed at the ticket counter. That earned a high five from my sister.

I wouldn't recommend staying up all night. But it is what it is. I figure I'll catch a few zzz's on the 14 hour flight to China. Right now we're sitting at Dulles Airport on a 5 hour layover. Yeah...that was the tradeoff for a better price on a better plane. So this is it. The next time you hear from me, we'll be in China!

During the trip, I'll be posting to a separate blog. There are a lot of people in my "real life" who are interested in following along. But I didn't necessarily want everyone reading every single thought that's run through my head over the last 5 years. LOL! Plus I wanna do the whole "book your blog" thing with this new one as a keepsake for Mia.

So you'll find us over at Finally... Mia for now.

Our Itinerary

2011-05-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

Weds May 18th - 6am flight to Dulles then on to Beijing at 12pm. My sister and I arrive in Beijing at 2:40pm on Thursday.

Fri, Sat and Sun we tour there. We're the only family in our travel group who chose to pre-trip. Which may actually turn out to be okay. We'll have more flexibility about what we want to do and see.

Mon May 23rd - fly to Guangzhou awaiting the arrival of my adoption agency's main travel group who arrive at 6:30am on Tuesday the 24th.

Weds May 25th - fly to Nanchang and if all goes as planned meet Mia!!

Tues May 31st - fly back to Guangzhou.

Sat June 4th - leave Guangzhou to Beijing to Chicago to home. Arriving at 8:53pm Sat night. With the time difference we'll travel 12 hours back in time. Unfortunately, it won't feel like we gained 12 hours to our bodies. We can't trick them. They'll know we've been traveling for 24 solid hours.

There will be friends and family meeting us at the airport to welcome us home. For those local, come on out if you'd like to join them. But be warned...we'll probably look pretty rough and we may even smell a little. LOL! We'll run the gauntlet of well wishers, say hellos, give some hugs and then be on our way. The party will NOT continue at my house. Just saying. I'm pretty sure I'll be exhausted at that point....and need a few days to recover.

Dear Family and Friends

2011-05-16T19:49:00.000-04:00

As I prepare to cross the threshold into motherhood, I thought it'd be a good time to explain some things. During this long wait, I've learned that while decorating the nursery and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of my baby. In Mia's short life, she'll have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle.

While she may not consciously remember the events, she'll still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief, trauma and confusion. She's already experienced the loss of her birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of her birth country. Her world will turn upside down. She'll struggle with feeling safe and secure and may lack the ability to trust that I will meet her needs.

I'm prepared to meet her where she is emotionally and progress on her schedule. I have to prove to her that I'll always take care of her and keep her safe. I need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment, I must allow her to regress so that she has the opportunity to go through all the emotional stages with me... despite her chronological age. Although it may appear that I'm spoiling her, I've learned it's best that I meet every need quickly and consistently.

Until she's learned that I'm her mother, I alone need to be her primary caretaker at all times. It's essential that I always hold her, feed her, and do all of the nurturing. I know you're impatient to do these things, too. Trust me. I don't want to deprive anyone of loving my daughter. But in the beginning, I ask you to understand my need for you to step back and defer to me. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. I'll follow her lead and trust my instincts rather than worry about what society expects.

We've all been waiting anxiously for Mia to arrive but you have to remember ... she hasn't been waiting for us. She's about to be ripped away from everything she knows and loves. She may show her grief and confusion in many ways. I'm prepared to help her through it and prove that I am forever and this truly is her last stop. No matter what it takes.

I trust that as my family and friends you'll help me to do what's best for my daughter. I thank you in advance for your support and understanding. For more useful info about attachment check out this website a4everfamily.org

Love,
Mia's Mommy

The Most Amazing Baby Shower Ever

2011-05-15T11:27:00.002-04:00

The attention to detail that was put into every little part of this was just over the top. That's my nursery fabric tied around the chopsticks. See what I mean?

My mom made this hot pink and lime green dragon.

It's so fabulously awesome. I was speechless.

The hostess with the mostest. My tiny BFF, Dominique. We've been friends since the 7th grade. And yes... I towered over her then, too. LOL!

She had a Shutterfly book made of Mia's nursery. Again... speechless.

The most beautiful cake I'd ever seen. All my favorites.... polka dots, favorite colors and my new favorite thing, cherry blossoms. It was perfect!

We got a late start (surprising, right?) and took awhile to eat so some people had to leave before we even started the games. But it all worked out fine in the end. I was just so happy to see everyone. Some friends I hadn't seen in awhile and it was really great to catch up.

Don't ask. Some strange game Dominique came up with about trying to kiss Jackie Chan and Jet Li. It was pretty funny.

Livi Xiang

My mom made this for Mia to wear for our consulate appointment.

She also crocheted 3 pairs of mary janes in white, hot pink and black. They're the cutest things ever! There's also a hair bow holder and several hair bows she made. But the pic didn't come out and my camera battery is dead. So I'll add it later.

Tess liked the books Mia got.

My friend's daughter Jade, Teagan, BFF's son Jack, Tatum and Tess. They were my little helpers when it came time to open presents. I think they may have been just as excited as I was. Maybe more. LOL!

It was more amazing and wonderful than I could've ever imagined. The decorations were so beautiful. The cake was gorgeous and absolutely delicious. The food, the fun, the friends. All of it was just the best ever. Thank you to everyone that came out to celebrate my baby girl. But most of all ...thanks to Dominique, her family, and my mom for giving me the most magical day. I know how hard you worked and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Making Progress

2011-05-13T22:53:00.002-04:00

This is the last weekend I'll spend in my house alone. It's all a bit surreal. I took a shower today realizing soon there will be bathtub toys for me to navigate around. Right this very moment there are bottles and sippy cups in my dish drainer. I washed baby clothes the other day and marveled at how tiny they are.

I'm full throttle in prep mode right now. Most everything is set aside waiting to be packed. That's planned to start Sunday night. I even bought a little luggage scale to make sure our bags aren't overweight. I think I've narrowed down the clothing for myself and Mia. Now I just have to make sure it all fits.

I have a baby shower tomorrow. I'm so excited for that! It's all a total surprise. My bestie has it all planned and from the little bit that I've seen... I bet it's gonna be something spectacular.

I'm slowly wrapping things up at work. Only 2 more work days left! I won't be back until August 15th. The whole summer to spend with my baby girl! You have no idea how happy that makes me. I have visions of putting her in the stroller for an afternoon walk, going to the pool, the park. Just spending lots of time in the sunshine as we get to know each other.

Today I had Eco-Maids come and clean my house. It was a nice little gift to myself. I think other than the cost of this adoption....it might have been the BEST money I ever spent. Relieving the stress of having to do it all myself and the time saved was so worth every penny. My house is sparkling.

Griffey even had a bath today. He's all fluffy and fresh. I just hope he stays that way for the next few weeks. It'd be nice if he still smelled good when he meets his little sister. I wonder how that relationship will work out. Of course, I hope they fall in love with each other. But it might take awhile. It's just been Griffey and me for over 10 years. Sharing the attention might be a difficult adjustment.

So my plane tickets are bought. The "really good condition" money situation has been worked out and is all ready to go. The pediatrician has been chosen and the first appointment made for a few days after we get home. I'm installing the car seat in the backseat on Sunday. I'll own a stroller by Monday. On Wednesday at 6am the plane takes off on the way to my daughter.

Soon a baby will live here.

Almost Right...

2011-05-11T19:39:00.000-04:00

On the day of my referral call when I found out Mia's birthday, I mentioned the significance of my trip to Florida. It was my babymoon. The very last vacation I would ever take as a single carefree woman with nothing but freedom to do as she pleased. It was wonderful!

I spent a week in a cute pink house right on the beach with my sister and a couple girlfriends. It was our week of doing absolutely nothing. No schedules. No make up. No sightseeing. No plan. Just pure relaxation. Lots of swimming in the ocean, enjoying cocktails, soaking up the sun, taking naps, reading books, watching movies, and talking. Lots of talking.

But I also spent a lot of time in my own head. I sat by the waves and thought about my daughter. I imagined our life together. I acknowledged all my hopes and dreams for her. I wondered what she'd look like. I dreamed of a day when I'd bring her to the beach and introduce her to the ocean. I reflected on the last 5 years of this wait. I made peace with the knowledge that my life as I'd once known was coming to an end. But I was beginning a whole new and exciting chapter. I just spent a lot of time with my daughter.

And something changed in me that week. I can't even begin to explain it. Because it defies explanation. It's just something I felt in my heart. A connection like I'd never felt before. A sense of peace. A sense of knowing. I had a very strong feeling she was born during my time in Florida. I said it out loud that week. And I said it a few times to others between last October and the day I found out Mia's birthday.

I was in Florida from Sept 29 through October 2nd, 2010.

Mia was born October 9th, 2010.

I was pretty dang close. But my mom reminded me that I was born two weeks after my due date. So she's convinced my girl is like her momma. Always a little late to the party. And she was actually supposed to be born the week before...and that's why I felt her coming. Maybe. Who knows....

Family Baby Shower

2011-05-10T19:29:00.001-04:00

Saturday May 7th was the baby shower for my family. It was small and intimate. Just my cousins, sister, aunt and uncle, a close friend and her daughter. Very sweet.

We had cupcakes instead of a cake. The green were called "Merry Margarita". They were delish!

The room was decorated in my two favorite colors.. hot pink and lime green. Just stating the obvious. LOL!

These were cute little polka dotted Chinese take out favor boxes. The card is a link to my travel blog. More about that later.

This is my cousin, Lisa. She was the shower hostess.

(Check it out, Lisa... you're on the blog!!)

Funny bib. Chinese take out.

I love this little pink and green swimming suit with cherries on it. My sister got it for me. It's going to China with us.

This is my friend's daughter also named Mia. She was adopted from Guatemala. We're raising our Mia's as single moms of only children. So her Mia is excited to be getting a little Chinese "sister".

It's so surreal to realize the next family get together my Mia will finally be here. After all these years of them asking "have you heard anything?" Mia will finally take her place in this group. I can't wait.

Thanks for a great shower, Lisa! I appreciate all the hard work you put in it. I had a blast!

My First Mother's Day...sort of

2011-05-08T15:07:00.000-04:00

So I'm in this weird in between place of being a mom but not really being a mom yet. There's a baby on this earth that has been chosen for me. But she's still halfway across the world from me. I know her face. I know every single detail of her face. But I haven't really seen it yet. I know who she is. But I have no idea who she really is. Right now I'm in love with a photo of a beautiful little baby girl named Tong Min Ying who lives in China. But soon...on May 25th to be exact ... I'll fall in love when they place a beautiful little baby girl named Mia Renee Ying in my arms. I'll finally be a mother. And she will be my daughter. Completely and forever.

I'm REALLY going to China!

2011-05-06T18:22:00.002-04:00

The consulate appointment has been set. We're working on the flight options and final itinerary right this very minute. But it looks like I'll be leaving to tour Beijing on May 19th. Then flying to Guangzhou to meet my travel group on May 23rd. I'll be flying again to Nanchang on

May 25th to meet my daughter.

In only 19 days I'll officially become a MOM!!

Travel Approval!!

2011-05-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

Finally!

At 7:36pm I got notice from my agency that we officially have

Travel Approval.

They're working to set our Consulate Appointment now.

We should have that done by the end of the week at the latest.

As soon as we know that, I can buy a plane ticket!

Woo hoo!

I may be on my way to China as quickly as 2 weeks from TODAY!

OMG!

I might be on the way to China in ONLY 2 weeks.

Oh boy...that just hit me.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

Packing Mayhem

2011-05-02T21:55:00.001-04:00

First off... still no Travel Approval. Not happy about that. Those of you who know me know I don't deal well with this lack of control. Yeah... go ahead and laugh. I'm aware my life is about to become one big "lack of control". I'm just really freaking out over not having plane tickets. I'm watching the prices go up by the day. I just want some finality there.

Instead I'm trying to get my packing done. Lists have been made. Items bought. Things sorted. Some things will come at my baby showers but I'm probably about 90% there already.

Mia's clothes. Well, this is harder. I want to take everything. I can't wait to see her in these cute little hair bows and all the adorable stuff I've collected over the years. But I have it narrowed down. As you can see, the common theme is hot pink. It's mommy's favorite color. And if I coordinate it all, then I can mix and match if the size is off. Or if there are massive spit ups. Which I know will happen. Of course, one of her first outfits has to have a penguin on it. That's a gimme, right?

I know Cheerios are like the holy grail of China adoption. But I'm wondering if she's too young for them? She'll be 7 1/2 months old when we meet. According to the paperwork I have now, she doesn't have any teeth. She might have by then though. I do have a couple of the melt in your mouth puff things for her. What do y'all think? Cheerios or not?

Limbo

2011-04-27T19:41:00.001-04:00

I feel like I'm stuck there right now. No official travel dates yet but our agency is saying we're going May 20th. And if I can work in a pre-trip to Beijing...which I really really really want to do....that means I'll be going on May 17th or 18th. 3 weeks from TODAY!

I just wish I knew for sure so I could make some solid plans. I hate that we might travel in 3 WEEKS and I don't have a plane ticket. Yes... the OCD overthinker planner girl is freaking out a little. I've been trying to be as productive as possible and knock things off the "To Do List" ahead of time. That makes me feel a little better.

I've got a solid packing list made. In fact, I've got about half my packing laid out already. Still have a few more things to get. I spent $300 at Tar-jay the other day on meds. Baby meds, adult meds... but it seemed like I walked out of there with very little. Certainly not like I'd just spent $300! Man.. that stuff is expensive.

Got my FMLA plan made at work. Trying to wrap up my caseload as much as I possibly can in preparation for my 12 week absence. That won't be easy. Well... not going to work will be completely easy. I mean trying to do work during the next 3 weeks that doesn't require more follow up or court during that 12 weeks. That's the hard part.

Made arrangements with the bank for my new money. Hired a landscaper to get the yard in shape for summer. Just finished the guest room as y'all saw below. Have two baby showers coming up. Two!! So excited about those!

Basically just hanging around in limbo trying to be productive but limited since there is no solid plan yet. And aching for my baby so much it takes my breath sometimes. I've learned in the last 3 weeks since I saw her face that all this planning doesn't even matter. If they called me tomorrow and said catch a flight in an hour...I'd make it work. I just want to get there and get my girl!

Guest Bedroom Re-Do

2011-04-23T23:45:00.001-04:00

I'm gonna have some help when I first get home from China. And they'll need a place to sleep if they stay over. So I decided to turn the office back into a guest bedroom. Here's the before....

Behold my nod to "Breakfast at Tiffany's".

Photographing it at night really lightens the wall color but it's the exact same shade of the Tiffany's box.

I love the color and I love the style. Every single bit of it... the contrast of the black furniture, the sparkle of the "diamonds" in the light fixture and candle holders, the black and white damask bedding and polka dot curtains. It turned out even more fabulous then what I'd envisioned. I'm so happy with it! Click on any photo to see it bigger.

I chose a daybed trundle so I could sleep two overnight guests if I wanted. Someone asked in the comments about the bedding. I got it here.

Is this not the coolest pillow ever? I got it here. It matches the polka dot curtains....made by my mother, of course.

Beautiful Audrey. I love this print. Love Love Love!

But I love my gorgeous light fixture even more. Chrome, dripping with crystals and this amazing iridescent see through black pendant shade. The photo doesn't even do it justice.

This is called a "Gentleman's Chest". It's a matching piece to the maser bedroom set. But I had no more room in the master. I adored it so much I decided to get it anyway and use it in the guest room. The frosted glass panel slides open to reveal drawers and shelves.

Perfect picture for this room. I couldn't believe when I ran across it at Tar-jay of all places.

On top of the chest.

These birds belonged to my grandmother. I remember these decorating her house for years. They were an ugly tarnished brass when I inherited them. But you know me... I envisioned what they could be with a little spray paint. Now they have a new life.

My "diamond" candle holders. So sparkly and shiny.

The frog prince. I just thought he was adorable. And Lord knows I've kissed a lot of frogs looking for my prince. But still can't find him... LOL!

I found these photos on Etsy. I wanted to keep with the theme of the room but not be too over the top and corny. So I searched for black and white photos of New York City to keep it sophisticated and classy.

Absolutely adore this one. I love the curves of the black metal railing with the Empire State Building in the background. I love visiting NYC. It's one of my favorite places in the world. This photo just makes my heart happy.

One of my favorite things in NYC is Central Park. I love everything about it. As soon as I found this photo of "The Poet's Walk" at the lower end of the Mall I knew I had to have it.

So who wants to spend the night with Audrey Hepburn in my own little piece of the Big Apple? ;)

Mia's Bead

2011-04-18T22:46:00.000-04:00

I love my Pandora bracelets. They're my most favorite pieces of jewelry. Every bead represents something important to me. A memory, an event, a person, an object. Well, except for the glass beads. Those are just pretty. :)

I'd known for awhile I'd find a bead to mark the memory of my referral day. I thought I'd get Mia's birthstone. But when I went to the store and saw this one that looks like a cherry blossom.....

That was the one!

Her Name and Another Red Thread...

2011-04-16T11:53:00.003-04:00

The "red thread" is referenced a lot within the Chinese adoption community. It's actually old Chinese folklore about a red thread that destines soul mates to meet . But I think adoptive parents have taken some liberties so that it applies to our circumstance as well. It basically just speaks to fate, destiny, kismet, "meant to be", whatever you wanna call it.

But all along the way you'll see signs of your red thread if you look for them. I have anyway. The biggest one... the penguins in the background of Mia's referral pic. But we'll talk more about that another day. Today I want to get my thoughts down about her name.

Mia's Chinese name is Tong Min Ying. It's pronounced Tawng Meen Een. It's still hard for my English speaking brain to look at these words and pronounce them this way. But I'm getting used to it.

Every baby ever placed in the Tonggu SWI carries the first two names of Tong Min. Only the third name is unique. They're named Tong for the location of the orphanage in Tonggu County. Tonggu means "copper or bronze drum". From what I've seen written of the place it's known for copper mining among other things.

There's also a well known landmark called "Tonggu Rock". Legend has it that it used to sound like a copper drum but during the 16th century there was a large protest of locals against the tyranny of the government. A famous general, Deng Zilong, was sent to suppress the rebellion. The leader of the protest hid inside the copper drum rock but General Zilong split it in two with his sword to capture him. When he split the rock, a golden cock {the rooster kind ;)} flew out never to return....and the copper drum rock was silenced forever. Interesting, eh? Here's a photo I found of it on the internet.

Min means "of the people". It's got a very pro-government, pro-communism connotation. My Chinese friend who translated it says it shows the orphanage director is very proud of his political party. I respect that. That's the way of life in China... no matter how we Americans feel about it. But because her first two names are not unique to her and because of their meanings, I'm choosing not to use them as part of her western name. We'll keep Ying.

So she has four names now. Mia Renee Ying.... and my last name, of course.

Mia is Italian and chosen simply because I love the way it sounds. I was delighted to find that it means "mine". Which I thought was appropriate since I'll be solo parenting her. She'll be all "mine". LOL! But now knowing her Chinese names, it takes on a new interpretation for me. I'm happy that she's mine... and no longer only just "of the people". Renee is my sister's middle name. Mia will share it in her honor.

And Ying...well, there's a story there, too. I've said many times that I hoped her Chinese name would have a meaning that could be interpreted into a drawing. You see, I have a few tattoos. I wanted another in my daughter's honor.

Early in the process when I told someone this I said "with my luck her name will mean "blowing wind" or something really difficult to draw. I couldn't get lucky enough for it to mean something cool like "cherry blossom". That's just the image that popped in my head at that moment. Those are the examples I stuck with when re-telling this story over and over again during the last 5 years of this wait.

So you know where this is going, right? Ying means cherry blossom!!! In fact, my Chinese friend said not only does it mean cherry blossom but if a native Chinese speaker were to see the character they would immediately have an image in their head of the "PINK cherry blossom trees like those in Washington DC"!

I couldn't have found a more perfect name. Mia Renee Ying. That's my child. Somehow perfectly chosen for me.

Where is Mia?

2011-04-15T21:53:00.002-04:00

Since most of us didn't study much about Chinese geography in high school I thought I'd explain a little about where Mia is right now. She's in Jiangxi Province (pronounced Jiang-shee) located in southeastern China. It's the hot pink province in the lower right corner.

Here's a closer look. The provincial capital of Jiangxi is Nanchang. That's where I'll meet Mia for the first time. We'll be there for about a week before traveling to Guangzhou in Guangdong Province. That's where the US consulate is. We have to stay there for another week while we wait for Mia's travel visa. You'll also see Beijing further north. I'm hoping I'll have enough notice to travel there for a few days before heading to Nanchang.

Mia lives in Tonggu County. (Pronounced Tawn-goo). It's a very rural area about a 4 hour drive southwest of Nanchang. Mountainous, lush and green from the photos I've seen. It's so small I'm not able to find a lot of info about it. But I've read in a few places that the population is somewhere between 130,000-140,000 people.

Which is really small for China standards. Considering Tonggy County covers 1548 square km. That's 597 square miles. To put that in perspective...it's about the same size as Houston, Texas. And Houston has a population of 2.1 million people. See what I mean?

This is the Tonggu Social Welfare Institute. It houses both children and the elderly. And it has a purple roof and hot pink pillars which I just think... is kinda cool.

Although I'll make sure she never forgets where she started ..... soon this will be her home. And I can't wait to get her here!

Updated Pics!

2011-04-12T20:07:00.000-04:00

I ordered a care package for Mia on Sunday night from Ann at Red Thread China. A lot of people in my June RQ family had done the same thing and received updated pics and measurements. So I really hoped I would, too. Sure enough... Ann delivered! I woke up this morning to find these in my email. What a surprise! I didn't expect anything so soon. Ann rocks!!! I can't recommend her enough.

Look at my little chunky monkey! Her referral medical dated 3-1-11 said she weighed 18 lbs and was 61 cm. These new measurements from yesterday claim she's 22 lbs and 65 cm. Is that even possible? A 4 lb and 4 cm gain in just 6 weeks? I'm a first time clueless mom. I have no idea. Is that even a normal size for a 6 mth old?

She looks healthy. Those chubby cheeks and pudgy little hands show that. Someone is definitely feeding her well. But those layers can be deceiving.

I was also blessed to receive a photo of Mia with her foster father. This photo is priceless to me. Such an important part of her history. I can see that he loves her. She's too roly poly not to be loved. That just fills my heart. I know you can read a lot into a photo...especially when you're still floating on the bliss of a referral...but I like his face. His eyes seem kind and soft. And I like that he's smiling as he holds our daughter.

I hope to one day be able to express to him how grateful I am. And it makes me sad to know that my happiness... will cause his family heartache when they have to let her go.

The Call: Part Two

2011-04-10T01:06:00.002-04:00

It was LOVE at first sight.....

2011-04-09T02:39:00.000-04:00

Happy 6 Month Birthday

to my little cherry blossom

Mommy will be there soon

The Call : Part One

2011-04-07T18:12:00.001-04:00

On Monday evening I got a call from Martha, my adoption agency coordinator, who told me "The Call" (in which I learned info about the baby chosen to be my daughter) would be coming the next day. I was nervous and excited but somehow managed to fall asleep that night. Before I did I wrote a letter to Mia. This was the last day of my life before becoming a mother. I felt like I needed to talk to her about that. She'll read it when she's older.

I woke up with my stomach in knots. The peaceful zen of the night before... was now gone. I had a couple of meltdowns while trying to get ready for work. I'd decided since I'd taken so much time off recently and would be taking more time off soon that I needed to try to get some work done. Go ahead and laugh now. I'll wait.

I was actually an hour late for work because I just couldn't quite pull it together. I had to stop and just sit still a few times. Deep breaths and attempts to clear my head and calm my nerves. There were some tears. I had a million different emotions all bouncing around at once. Scared, nervous, happy, excited, terrified, happy, sad, anxious, happy. The anticipation of 5 years worth of hopes and dreams in this moment. Uhm yeah... I was a bit of a wreck.

I got to work and prepped my video camera. My partner was kind enough to be my stand in while I positioned the shot to make sure I'd be in the frame. That would've sucked if I chopped off my head or something. I hit the record button as a test run and he acted it out perfectly. Screaming like a girl, fake crying, throwing his arms in the air, repeating "Oh my God!" over and over. It was pretty dang funny. I threatened to actually show it... but since he was such a good sport, I won't.

And then I waited. And waited. And waited. But nothing....

Norman, my facilitator, is in California so I kept myself busy thinking with the time difference he just wouldn't be in the office until after 11am my time. And THEN I'd get the call. Except.... I didn't.

I'd posted on Face-book that The Call was coming. So I wasn't the only one waiting for it. All my "friends" were on pins and needles, too. My squad mates kept checking in to see if I'd heard anything. The day dragged on and on. And yes.... very little actual police work was done.

Martha had told me the night before she'd call and check in with me at 3pm our time. She's in Florida so we're in the same time zone. When I finally heard from Martha ( a little after 3pm) I was now home from work. She said she'd check with Norman and see what was up. I got a quick email from her saying she'd call me at 4pm! She also said I was going to get photos of my baby girl!! There had been some doubt initially. Normally the facilitator sends the photos overnight with the translated documents. I know! Torture, right? Like 5 years isn't long enough to wait!

My mom came over to keep me company as I paced the floor. I kept updating my Faceb00k page so everyone was in the loop. According to the comments there, I wasn't the only who didn't get any work done that day. LOL!

Finally 4pm came and the phone rang! I jumped up, hit the record button and prepared for the news I'd waited over 5 years for....only to be told that Norman was at lunch and would be emailing the stuff to Martha when he got back. Lunch! Lunch? Who takes a lunch in the middle of labor? Really? It was a bit of a let down but I prepared myself for The Call to now come an hour later as she had said.

Updated Faceb00k again. Cracked up over all the comments about the "lunch break". Y'all had me in stitches! I tell you... I was so glad to have those of you who were there following it on FB. It helped keep me sane. It helped me to pass the time. Because the clock had never moved slower than it did on April 5, 2011! And it made my heart feel so full to know how many people were as excited about the arrival of this baby as I was. Love!

Then an hour and a half later.... the phone rings again. It's Martha! Same thing happens...heart rate accelerates, jump up, hit record and before my finger is even off the red button, Martha is telling me to calm down because it's gonna be about 40 more minutes!! I updated my status again to let those of you waiting with me know.

But what I didn't mention at the time was that Martha decided to give me a little teaser. She knew how freaked out I was. She knew the anticipation was killing me. She knew I was about to lose it from the ups of the phone ringing and the downs of the stalling for more time. So she wanted to give me just one tiny little bit of information. One very important piece of information. My daughter's birth date!!

And I share that with you now. Forgive my moment of slight irritation with my mother who wanted a camera lesson in the middle of the whole thing. Since I had only just shown her several times how to operate it and then asked about 10 more times if she was SURE she knew how to operate it. But no... she couldn't figure it out. Insert massive eye roll here. LOL! Sorry mom. :)

My brain also froze momentarily when she said "I'm gonna tell you her birthday" and I forgot to put the phone on speaker. So you'll just hear my end of things.

My trip to Florida is very significant. That's why you hear me mention it. That story will come in another post. Part Two of The Call will come later also ..... when I see her face for the first time.

Thanks so much for all the support and messages of congratulations! My feet still haven't touched the ground.

Finally... Mia

2011-04-05T19:53:00.002-04:00

After 4 years 9 months and 22 days ....finally my daughter.

Introducing Tong Min Ying

Birth date October 9, 2010

5 months and 28 days old

Currently in Tonggu SWI in Jiangxi, China

And yes...

those are magical flying penguins in the background of the top photo.

That blows my mind. I don't think I could have asked for a bigger sign.

Almost There...

2011-04-03T21:45:00.006-04:00

Tonight I printed out "The Call" sheet. You know... the form to write all the info on... her birth date, name, orphanage, province, etc and all the questions I won't remember to ask. Cuz you know my brain will turn to mush as soon as the phone rings.

I charged the Flip, set it up, positioned it on the Gorilla-pod and tested it out just in case I'm home alone when The Call comes. My intention is to actually remember to hit the record button. We'll see.

I loaded brand new batteries in the point and shoot camera in case The Call comes while I'm at work. I'll have my partner snap some photos. And again...hopefully one of us will remember to turn on the video camera, too.

I have it all planned out. I just hope I can think straight to pull it off when it really happens. LOL! I wish I knew for sure WHEN to expect The Call. Will they speed through translations and pick up the phone Tuesday afternoon? Or will I have to wait until Wednesday? I'll be a basket case by Thursday if it hasn't come yet.

The butterflies are fluttering. My heart is beating twice what's normal, I think. My mind won't settle down. How am I ever gonna get any work done this week?

Oh and after 5 years of pouring over all the blogs with baby pictures on Rumor Queen, I can now add mine to the list!! Well, almost. I just need the baby pic first. Stay tuned. It's coming soon. But in the meantime, go check out the other cute Babies.

Cut Off Is June 15th!

2011-04-01T16:44:00.007-04:00

It's official. People are getting referral calls today and the CCAA has changed the box already.

That means...
without a doubt...
I am
IN THIS BATCH!

Unfortunately, because of how my agency does things I won't get my call until Weds or Thurs next week. If I'm really lucky and they translate quickly, I might get a call late Tuesday evening. There aren't many families left in my LID group so I'm really hoping they finish early and my call comes Tuesday.

But right now, I'm glad my call isn't coming until next week. This weekend is gonna be quite the emotional rollercoaster as it is. The viewing for my grandmother starts soon and we'll bury her tomorrow morning. I need to get my emotions past that before I can fully engage with the referral news.

The few times I've thought about the referral today the butterflies immediately start and I can feel the tears about to flow. So I've had to push it aside. I need some closure from the sadness before I can fully open up to the joy of what next week will bring.

I expect a little emotional breakdown on Sunday when I get some down time and allow it all to wash over me. Then I'll pick myself up and wait for my life to change.

Because the most exciting thing that's ever happened in my life is coming. And I've waited a long time for that dream to come true!

News Soon? *** Update

2011-03-31T09:50:00.006-04:00

I have a friend logged in the same day as me who has been told by her agency that a package is enroute from China. They're not expecting anything except REFERRALS! It's scheduled to arrive tomorrow.

There is also a small rumor on another website that referrals will go through at least June 15th.

I'm trying to wait until at least 10am before I start calling my coordinator to fish for info. But it's been difficult watching the seconds tick by on the clock.

Could it be my turn? Could I be getting a call in the next few days?

On the agenda today.... charge the camcorder, figure out a place to set it up to record my call if I happen to be home alone and print out my list of questions since my brain will most certainly turn to mush as soon at the phone rings.

Oh my gawd.. my stomach is flip flopping. Deep breaths, Krista. Deep breaths. You can't answer the phone if you're passed out on the floor. LOL!

Although because my agency insists on translating everything BEFORE they call you I don't expect my call until a couple days after the rest of the internet starts getting their calls. So I still don't think I'll hear anything until next week.

But I think it's safe to say that after more than five years of waiting....I'm probably within a week of seeing Mia's face!!!

*******************************************************************************

At 10:01am I called my coordinator. She then called my facilitator who is still in China. Thankfully he answered, even with the 12 hour time difference. Glad I didn't wait until later to call for info!

He's expected back on Monday with the referrals!!

He'll be in the office on Tuesday. Then they'll translate everything. So I should expect my call next week! Probably Wednesday...maybe Thursday.

Bathtub Baby

2011-03-29T10:44:00.005-04:00

Today is our bathtub baby's 6th birthday. It's hard to believe that slippery little sucker is now an opinionated kindergardner. His favorite things are monster trucks, Legos and irritating his siblings. He has this obnoxious laugh that sounds just like Burt from Sesame Street. It constantly cracks me and his mother up. His brain works in a way that I don't always understand but keeps us on our toes as evidenced by this crazy conversation. But he also has an irrestible charm and has on occasion sweet talked me into spending the night without any other siblings attached....which is a hugely big deal when you're part of a set of 5. He still runs down the stairs and knocks me over with a hug every time I come to visit. Every single time. I adore him .... as I do all my nieces and nephews.

Happy 6th Birthday Teagan!!

Teagan and Braeden

Easily the most popular story I ever tell is the one of how he made his very unique entrance into the world. So if you wanna chuckle again or if you've never heard it go here to understand why he's our bathtub baby.

Goodbye Grandma

2011-03-26T09:47:00.004-04:00

My grandmother would have been 102 years old in June. No, that's not a typo. She was born in 1909. Over a century ago. I remember as a teenager wearing those button up granny style boots. (It was the 80's, people. They were fashionable then.) And grandma telling me how she used to wear the same kind of shoes to school as a child. She was a tough old girl. The matriarch of our clan. Wilma was her name. We lost her last night.

My dad is the youngest of 5 children. There's an 8 year gap between he and his next oldest brother. So he was definitely the baby of the family. And we were the baby's children. We might have been spoiled by our grandma just a little. At least our older cousins think so. :)
This photo was taken at her 100th birthday celebration. My dad, me, my brother and my sister's branch of the family tree.

Our grandparents used to live in a big old Victorian house that had been turned into a funeral home. Kind of gruesome, right? But when you're a kid it was pretty dang cool. They lived on the upper floors. The main floor was the area where the viewings were held. And the basement... well, we didn't go there. That was the creepy place. My grandparents were the caretakers. They worked well into their 80's. I come from good stock.

I have great memories of that place. We were allowed to run around and play on the main floor since there was so much open area. Occasionally, there would be a room set up for a viewing the next day. We were given strict instructions not to go in that room. But, of course, that just intrigued us even more. I can still remember all the "I dare you" and "double dare you" talk amongst the three of us.

A few times I took that dare. Sneaking into the room, tiptoeing up to the casket, and peeking over the edge while the other two cowered in the doorway. Then running with all my might in case the poor dead person reached out and grabbed me or something. Yes.. somewhat twisted but we were little kids at the time. And it was our idea of fun. Don't judge. LOL!

My grandfather had a huge collection of miniature circus collectibles. Really cool stuff. Most of it we weren't allowed to touch. But there were a few things we could play with. That "circus room" was the first room you'd enter after climbing the stairs to their floor. I still remember how exciting climbing those stairs would feel. Cuz grandma and grandpa's house was a happy place for us.

On Christmas day, the whole family was expected to make an appearance at their house. Those days were magical. There were a lot of us in those rooms. Kids running around, lots of talking and laughing, enjoying good food. I remember my grandma would always make buckeyes. I still to this day think of her when I see one. And these little sausage, cheese appetizer things on cocktail bread. We only ever got those on Christmas at Grandma's house. I used to make myself sick eating them.

Finally it would come time to open our presents. Our grandparents always managed to get all of us a little something. And that was no easy feat. Remember, they had 5 kids...who all had kids. And some of those kids had kids. My brother, sister and I overlap with the next generation. So my grandparents had grandkids and great grandkids the same age. We had to open the presents in order of youngest to oldest. Some years the same thing would be the gift for several of us so we'd all open at the same time. Those were fun times. I miss that.

She fell and badly broke her arm right before my wedding day. That arm was all black and blue. But instead of letting it get in her way she just took the matching scarf off her dress and tied it like a sling around that arm. It became a fashion statement. Perseverance and strength. That was my grandma. She was definitely the glue that held this family together. We lost my grandfather in early 2000. He and my grandmother had been together since they were 13 yrs old. I wondered then if she could continue without him.

But she was a fiesty old broad and she kept on trucking. Eventually she got a small apartment. I remember going to visit her. She proudly displayed a photo of me in my police uniform and showed it to anyone who came...the mailman, her neighbors, even the meals on wheels delivery guy said "I've heard a lot about you" when I was there one day during his delivery. It was a little embarrassing but it made my heart happy to know how she bragged.

When she ended up in the nursing home it was the same thing. I went to visit and the staff already knew I was the police officer. It was sweet. But then her memory started to leave her. In the end, she didn't even recognize my dad anymore. That was sad. To see her body so strong and fighting but her mind gone.

I know she's in a better place now. She's finally back with my grandfather. Most of my aunts are there waiting for her too. And even though we really lost her several years ago, it still hurts my heart knowing that she's gone. A selfish part of me kept praying she'd hang on to meet my daughter. I know neither she nor Mia would have comprehended it. But it would have been special for me to have that moment and a photo of them together to hang on to. I have to let that go now. But it still hurts knowing how close we were to getting there....Rest in peace, Grandma. You showed me what a strong woman looked like. Through watching you I learned to be tough. I have nothing but wonderful, happy memories of the woman you were. I will love you and miss you always.

Bedroom Re-do... Again

2011-03-22T19:15:00.026-04:00

So what happens when you try to keep yourself busy over 5 years of waiting for a baby? For me...I re-decorate. A lot. This is the third bedroom overhaul since 2006. The room has been completely transformed from floor to ceiling. But this one...is my favorite! And a keeper. It's not changing again. Well, maybe when Mia goes off to college. LOL!
I know some of you are probably surprised by the classy understated look considering how colorful the rest of my house is. I wanted something more grown up and sophisticated this time.
The wall color is called "Milk Chocolate". I thought that was kind of appropriate for a chubby girl whose always on a diet. LOL!
Here's a before pic of the former bedroom decor. Well, at least from the second re-do anyway. That off center window always bugged me. Notice how in the above photo it appears the window has grown? It hasn't. Just using a design trick I've seen on the decorating shows. See? You really thought I had a giant window back there, didn't ya?
And going way back into the time machine to 2006...here's what it looked like then. Big difference in all three, right?
I decided to keep the patterns minimal and play more with the texture. There's the basket weave of the ceiling fan, blinds and chair. The lamp shades are actually burlap. The fabric framing the headboard is a waffle knit. And there are some sweater pillows on the bed.

Another before shot....
Sorry... I didn't feel like ironing the pillowcases. Although they clearly need it. Love these cute little side tables. I went with a round shape since there was so much square furniture in the room. I think it breaks it up nicely.
My mom is making another long decorative pillow for the bed out of the black curtain fabric. The same fabric will be used to recover the cushion on the chair. She again contributed to the room by sewing all the window treatments. And made sure to point out to me that she has now created the curtains for every.single.room.in.my.house. Thanks Mom!

I'm still waiting on a bench that's being upholstered for the end of the bed. It'll be the same burlap as the lamp shades.
Maybe I mentioned here the fabulous armoire I found on Craigslist. Gorgeous. Can y'all believe I only paid 50 bucks for it? I can hardly believe it myself.
But I just really wanted it to be black. So you know me... out came the paint.
With a little hard work I now have a gorgeous new piece to house my TV. For $50!! What a great find!!! I didn't realize until I was uploading these photos but it seems I've put the drawer pulls on upside down. I think I like it better this way. Maybe.
I spray painted the hardware with a nice metallic to match the new furniture. My sister saw the new bedroom today and had no idea it wasn't all from a matching set.
Here's another look back at 2006 with all the pine furniture, pink carpet, wood trim and doors and lovely floral stenciling. I guess you could say my tastes have changed a little over the last 5 yrs.
Doesn't even look like the same room....

I love love love my new bedroom! The carpet is luxurious. The colors are peaceful. The bed is so incredibly comfortable. I love falling asleep here every night and waking up each glorious morning.
Now...on to the next project.

2 Weeks???

2011-03-19T10:15:00.003-04:00

The first rumor about the next batch was spotted on the internet on Thursday. China was preparing to match. Generally speaking, we can expect referrals to land in the United States about 2 weeks after this first rumor. But the question still was... will Mia be in this batch? Or will the cut off date be June 13th .... missing me by one day?

My facilitator personally travels to China to hand carry the referrals for our agency back to the Unites States. He's just very hands on that way. Last night, I got a call from my agency coordinator. She said the facilitator is leaving for China soon..... to get the referrals.

Our agency only has one LID group for the month of June. Mine! So the only referrals he'd be getting are for the June 14th people!!

She said I should expect a call in about 2 weeks!!!! Maybe the last couple days of March or the first few of April.

OMG! Could this really be happening?

2011-03-14T18:04:00.004-04:00

Will I see Mia's face before I get to the 58th LID-versary?

More Than Halfway

2011-03-12T09:08:00.006-05:00

Saturday is my weigh in day. Today ends week 7 on Medifast.
I'm down 26 lbs.
Added to the 25 lbs I lost pre-Medifast that totals
51 lbs
gone off my ass!!!!
Literally.
Yay me!!!

So I'm Not Completely Nuts....

2011-03-10T21:11:00.006-05:00

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. At least I feel a little more normal now.

I'm not worried that I won't feel love for her. Immediately. I already do. Love for the idea of her anyway. I think that will only grow when she is real, when I see her and hold her.

I'm not afraid. Although I'm sure the fear will settle in at some point in the next few weeks. But right now I'm ready. Not ready for the packing, the plane ride, the jet lag, the craziness of the trip. But I'm so ready to just be Mia's mom.

A little freaked out by what that really means...yes. Knowing full well my life is about to change dramatically. Forever. I know so many things I take for granted will vanish. At least for awhile. But it's okay. I'm ready to let those things go ...for all the great and wonderful new things that are waiting.

I'm just numb. I think I should be feeling excitement right now. But I'm not really. I'm completely closed off from the emotion of it all. Indifferent. Ignoring it probably. Not purposely...but as a coping mechanism, I'd imagine. Maybe I'm just too afraid to believe it yet.

Tracy mentioned how she couldn't say her daughter's name until she finally held her in her arms. It's funny because I realized I do the same thing. I even had a conversation about it with my brother last weekend. I very rarely call her Mia. Usually when I speak of her I say "the baby". Just another layer of protection. I know that's all it is.

So for now I'll finish redecorating the master bedroom. Then move onto finishing the halfway done spare bedroom. I'm sure I'll have another project lined up after that to help me stay disconnected from my impending referral.

And when my head is ready...and my heart agrees.... the emotions will come. My guess is they will start to rise to the surface as soon as we start hearing some rumors about matching.

So thanks again for the reassurance. I may need y'all to talk me off the ledge again soon. We'll see. LOL!

Stuck

2011-03-08T21:46:00.005-05:00

I feel like something is wrong with me.

There are moments when I think of what is about to happen and my insides literally quiver with excitement. Moments when I feel like my heart will burst open with the love I already feel for this unknown little girl waiting somewhere in the world for me. Moments when I know without a doubt I'm ready to dive head first into motherhood.

But those moments are few and fleeting. There are a lot more moments when I still feel completely disconnected. Like I'm in a state of denial. I can't fully engage with this process. Lately, I've been more worried about getting the new curtains hung in my master bedroom or picking the perfect lamp ....instead of what I feel like I should be doing. Which is preparing to see my daughter's face in just a few short weeks.

Maybe it's just another way to try to protect my heart. After 5 long years of disappointment, you get used to expecting the worst, used to being let down, used to lowering your expectations again and again. So maybe.... subconsciously.... that's what my brain is doing.

But it's pissing me off. I feel like I should be more focused. Like I should be doing something... anything... to get ready for this. There are a million things I need to do. I think. But I can't really figure out what those things are right now.

I just feel really, really out of sorts. And I don't know what to do about it. Hopefully, as the days continue to pass and I move closer to the end of the month, I'll start to relax into the reality that there is a baby for me and she's coming very soon. Instead of feeling like I'm still stuck in the quicksand of this endless wait.

Stroller Suggestions?

2011-03-04T08:10:00.005-05:00

People are starting to ask me if I've registered somewhere for all the baby "stuff". I haven't yet. I was waiting until after referral so I know how old she is. But this got me thinking..... I really have no idea where to even begin. So let's talk strollers. Ya gotta start somewhere. That seems like a good jumping off point.

I'm looking for something rugged enough to take exercise type walks in the neighborhood and on the local bike path. Maybe I might even jog someday. Hey...a girl can dream, right? It could happen. LOL!

I like the idea of the whole parent organization thing... a tray for your stuff and a cup holder. But I know you can also buy add on things for your stroller to accomplish that. I'd like something the same for Mia. Maybe a little snack tray/cup holder thing. And I want some storage underneath.

I need something not too gigantic since I drive a little Toyota Rav4. And not too complicated to fold up since I'll be dealing with baby and stroller all by myself 95% of the time. I'd really really love a reversible seat so that she can face me when she's younger.

I'm not opposed to having 2 strollers either. Maybe something more lightweight for the mall and another jogger type when I need something more rugged for things like a trip to the zoo.

So what are your suggestions, peeps? I need to do some stroller research.

The Queen Has Spoken....

2011-02-28T21:57:00.002-05:00

Even with her worst case scenario projection, Rumor Queen is predicting I'll be in the next batch. Okay ... I may actually be freaking out a little right now.

Next?

2011-02-25T16:28:00.004-05:00

Referrals arrived outta the blue yesterday!! It was a completely unexpected batch. The last one had only been about 21 days before. That's a super quick turnaround! Plus add in the fact that Chinese New Year was early this month and February is a short month anyway. No one was expecting this. No one.

We just heard the very first rumor on Weds that China was "preparing to match". Generally referrals come out a week or two after we hear that. But instead, phone calls started being made first thing Thursday.

And sure enough.....
China has matched through June 9th.

Which means I'm only 5 days away!!

It's almost certain I'll get my referral in the next batch!
Can y'all believe that?!

Now I say "almost" cuz we're all used to the unpredictable world of China adoption by now, aren't we? They could always surprise us and do a very small batch. It's unlikely. But it could certainly happen. So I have to be prepared for it. Have to try to guard my heart a little.

When the next batch will come is the big question. The average is about 30-35 days between batches. But they've stretched as long as 45 days before. And as we saw with this batch ...a quick 21 days in between.

But I'm guessing it will come at the very end of March or the first few days of April. I can't believe this wait is finally almost over. Could I be within a month of finally seeing my daughter's face? Of knowing who she is? Where she is? How old she is?

Could I really be NEXT!?

The D Word

2011-02-20T11:53:00.005-05:00

I'm not skinny. Never have been and never will be. I'm just not built that way unfortunately. I've dieted and failed so many times that I've learned to keep my mouth shut about it. But I've been doing pretty good on this one and broke my own rule recently when I mentioned a weight loss. That brought up some questions about this dieting thing and what I'm doing to lose. So I decided to share.

When I got on the scale last March during the physical for my homestudy update, I was quite shocked by the number. It was bad. Really bad. As I've mentioned here before, I'm an emotional eater. Big time. And the stress of the last 5 years of this adoption had taken it's toll. It's called "The Wait" weight. LOL!

I started working on it right away. But I still wasn't that committed. Six months later, I was only down about 25 lbs or so. And trust me when I say there's a lot more than that to lose. Then I went up and down struggling over 10 lbs during my vacation in October, then Thanksgiving and finally Christmas. By the first of the year, I was back to my 25-26 lb loss.

But the clock was ticking. This referral is right around the corner. And I knew I had to take drastic measures and get really serious if I wanted to be smaller before going to China. There are all kinds of reasons why I want that.

First and foremost, I want to be a healthier mom. I wanna be able to run after my daughter and roll around on the floor with her. And as a single parent, I need to be more conscious of my health for her sake. I also know the trip to China is physically very difficult. I'm so not looking forward to that uncomfortable plane ride. Ugh! I just didn't need to stack the deck against me before I even got there.

Then there are the vain reasons, of course. I wanna look better in my clothes. I don't wanna be disgusted at myself as I look at all of our photos of the China trip. These aren't photos I'll be able to hide away and never look at again. They'll be a part of our lives permanently and looked at year after year. And even when I'm in a good place about myself .... I'm still not real happy with having my picture taken.

I knew I needed to get as much weight off as fast as I could. I really wish I hadn't procrastinated this. It would've been a lot easier to do this sooner rather than later. But here I am.

I'm doing the Medifast plan. Several people I work with have been very successful on it. So I thought I'd give it a shot. Let me just say.... it's horrible. But it's effective so I'm sticking with it.

It's one of those very low calorie, low carb meal replacement plans. I buy food from them. And when I say "food" I use that term very loosely. LOL! Pretty much all of it tastes like crap. But you get used to it.

This is what I eat. All bought from Medifast except my "lean and green" meal. Breakfast is oatmeal. A couple hours later I have a granola bar type thing. Then lunch is a soup. Another bar two hours or so later. Then my lean and green. And another snack later. For me that's usually a shake, pretzels, hot cocoa or this other thing that looks like Kix cereal but is supposed to be cheese puffs.

You can configure the plan however you want as long as you eat five of their things and the "lean and green" meal. If you like the bars, you could actually eat five bars all day. Or mix it up any way you like. My way is just what works for me.

It's VERY restrictive. I have a list of acceptable meats and veggies and portion sizes. Even the condiments are super restrictive. You have to be really dedicated to it. It's hard. I'm not gonna lie. But it's exactly what I needed right now. I needed something where there was no thinking involved. I know exactly what to expect every day with my eating.

And I needed something that didn't allow me to cheat. Cuz I will if you let me. That's why Weight Watchers won't work for me right now. If you tell me I can have pizza.... then I'll eat too much. I just know how I am. I've done WW before successfully. And will probably go back to something like that in the future. It's a much more realistic way of eating long term.

But in the short term, this is exactly what I needed. A no BS, set in stone, no thinking kind of plan. And because it's so restrictive the weight comes off faster. Which helps you to remain motivated to keep going.

Yesterday was my week 4 weigh in and I'm down 18 lbs!! Added to my loss from what my "homestudy weight" was... I weigh 43 lbs less than last year. I haven't been this weight since maybe 2008. I'm fitting into clothes I haven't worn in years. I feel great physically. But more importantly, emotionally. I'm working my way back to my happy place. And it feels good.

I haven't started any exercise yet. But that's coming soon. If you're not physically active, they want you to wait three weeks while your body adjusts to the huge carb reduction. The first week was hell. I was in serious carb withdrawals. Headaches, shaky. But now... I feel fantastic!

My first goal was to be about 10 lbs less than where I am right now before referral. I think I'll make it. After that, I just want to get off as much as I can before going to China. Whatever that number is.

I still won't be in my ideal place. Not by quite a bit actually since I put on so much weight in the last 5 yrs and then procrastinated trying to take it off. But wherever I end up will be better than where I started. And that's a good thing. :)

What I'm Happy About

2011-02-15T20:44:00.003-05:00

The Grammys. Loved them this year. Some really great performances. But there were a couple of awards where I was scratching my head going.... who?

Survivor starts tomorrow. I really like TV. LOL!

I got a brand new I-Phone. I'm a first timer. I adore it so far. I still have a lot to learn but I'm having fun with it.

I just renewed my immigration paperwork for the last time. Hallelujer!

I've lost about 15 lbs on this new diet since starting it 3 weeks ago. I haven't been in this weight range in about 2 years. Or these pants. And it feels fabulous!

There are only 12 days until the CCAA gets to me. Yay! I'm really feeling April. Could I be a mom before Mother's Day?

My master bedroom is being completely re-done. New carpet, paint, furniture, decor, everything. Nesting anyone? I can't wait to see it finished.

There are two baby showers being planned for me. That's right...two! I can't wait to celebrate this baby with all the people who have supported me and waited with me all these years. Oh and the presents. Presents are pretty cool, too. Wink, wink.

The clasp on my Pandora bracelet broke. That part didn't make me happy. But them replacing it at no cost to me did. Wonderful customer service.

My dog is okay. We had a scare this week. Much more than a scare actually. A terrifying moment where his life flashed before my eyes. But our guardian angels were watching over the both of us. And we're okay.

I had a birthday on Sunday. And while getting another year older wasn't so great.... my birthday present was. What was it? The most active burglar in my district getting caught in the act. A strange gift, right? Let me explain.

This guy is my archnemesis. He just turned 19 a week ago but I've been dealing with him for years. And he's probably responsible for 30-50% of all the burglaries in my district. Just him. I put him away, he does a little time, gets out and starts hammering me again. But this is the first solid case I've had against him as an adult.

Not only that... but during my interrogation I was able to get him to confess to two other burglaries as well. Cuz I'm just that good, people. Interview is an art and I'm a master. LOL! Well, maybe. He refused to budge on the other 15 I believe he's done recently. But seriously... I'm very happy to be sending him to prison. Real prison. Not juvenile detention. Maybe he might actually get it this time.

And best of all... the burglary rate in my district is guaranteed to go down while he's away. Which means a smaller case load for me. :)

We've Hit June!

2011-02-09T21:24:00.003-05:00

CCAA has referred through June 2nd, 2006. There were times I wondered if we'd ever get here. To the month of June, I mean. But here we are. Freakin' finally! This is my month.

My Month!

And there are only 12 days in front of me. Which is both thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.

My optimistic prediction is that they could match me in the next batch. But I don't really believe that's going to happen. More realistically I think it'll be the next next batch.

Now the question is when? Will they send the next batch in February? Not likely. March then? But are we talking early, middle or late March? So would that put my referral in April?

Stay tuned to see where the rollercoaster ends.....

There's No Place Like Home

2011-02-05T09:18:00.007-05:00

The power was out from 8pm Tuesday night until about 2pm on Friday. And it was a very long 3 days. Luckily, the pipes in the house didn't freeze. My next water bill may be a little higher since I left water dripping in every faucet for several days. But it's a small price to pay to prevent a pipe bursting.

Griffey and I spent those days at my sister's. All the T's were off school during that time because of the bad weather. And one night my mom stayed over as well because she lost power. It made for a full house. A little loud and crazy at times. But it was nice to hang out with the kids. It made me realize how much they're all growing up.

Griffey and I are thrilled to finally be home now. I don't think my bed as ever been more comfortable than it was last night. LOL! I absolutely love my house. It's my sanctuary. My calm, my peace, my sanity, my happy place. I know we shouldn't put so much value in material things. But I was absolutely sick during that ice storm worrying about the risk of damage to my baby. I was so thankful that I got through it with just the annoyance of having to clean the backyard up and replace the gutter. It could have been a lot worse.

And I appreciate my house even more now after being forced out for several days. It may not be perfect. But it's mine. Filled with a lot of my blood, sweat and tears. It's seen me through a wedding, marriage, divorce, illness that nearly took my life, and soon .... motherhood. My heart, soul and many memories live within these walls. It's unique and colorful... just like me. I love this space I've created for myself. There's no other place I'd rather be. It feels good to be home.

Ice Ice Baby... sorry couldn't resist

2011-02-02T18:59:00.006-05:00

When the weatherman said we were bracing for a really horrific storm, I underestimated him. In my defense, the guy screams blizzard over every little flake of snow. I mean, this is Ohio. It snows here. That's not freak out worthy. But this....
this was absolutely freak out worthy! We had a pretty good freezing rain-ice mixture dump on us Monday night. But I had salted my sidewalks and driveway so it wasn't too bad. I got to work without any issues on Tuesday. It just took me awhile to chip the ice off the car.
It started again right as I was leaving work at 4pm. And it didn't stop. Ice freezing on top of ice.. is bad. Just really bad. I lost power about 8pm. No electricity, no heat, no phone. And about 5 minutes later my cell phone crashed. (Stupid Blackberry... but that's another story.) I gingerly made my way across the ice skating rink that used to be my street to borrow the neighbor's cell and call off work. I figured things were about to go from bad to worse. And boy did they.
I can honestly say I was pretty damn terrified the rest of the night. The giant tree that hovers over my house had branches breaking off all night long. I felt them bouncing off the house and would just hold my breath praying no windows would be taken out and the roof would hold up. The whole neighborhood was stressed out. We didn't really know what to do. So 4 different neighbors and I just stood out on our front porches for an hour or so watching each others trees fall. Which worked out well since we were on opposite sides of the street. That way when a tree crashed whoever was across the street could yell out whether it hit the house or not. We didn't plan it but it turned out to be a good system. LOL!
And let me just tell you... a heavy tree limb covered in ice is LOUD when it hits the ground. It shatters just like glass. The transformers were blowing up all over the place, too. I bet I saw 10 of those suckers explode. It was the strangest thing. The whole sky would light up purple and green like a nuclear bomb was going off. Then the loud buzz as it fizzled out. It was absolutely insane. And scary.

In the light of day it appears there's no major damage. My garage gutter was ripped off. I think one of my chairs may be demolished under that big branch. Hoping the retaining wall is okay. I won't know until this weekend when a co-worker is coming over with his chain saw. But I'm so grateful the house and deck seem to have held.

The power is still out now 24 hours later. I packed Griffey and I up about noon, dug the car out and headed to my sister's. Cuz baby it's cold outside...and now INSIDE my house, too. Just praying my pipes don't burst and the power is restored soon. For now I'm hanging out with the T's. But I really want to go home. :(

The Good & The Bad

2011-01-25T21:31:00.002-05:00

Good

I've lost 5 more lbs bringing my total to 30. I'm counting from my last homestudy physical which was in March. So while it's been a slow and steady loss... I'm happy to be getting smaller. Just this week I've started trying a little harder in anticipation of this child who will undoubtedly kick my ass if I don't get in better shape.
I sold all my bedroom furniture on Craigsl1st in less than 24 hours! Because I spontaneously bought new bedroom furniture and decided to completely redecorate the room.... cuz I really got nothing else going on right now, right? LOL!
My BFF revealed she has secretly been planning a baby shower for me. Can I just tell you how happy and excited this makes me?! Because for decades I've been attending other people's showers and now I'll finally get to have one of My Own. Yay!
I've been making my own packing list and feeling very confident, organized and in control.
Based on the pattern of dates referred over the last 12 months, I'm expecting my referral to come in March or April. And it's the end of January already. :)

Bad

The diet sucks. No really. I just started a very restrictive "buy your food from them" kind of thing. And most of the food so far is absolutely gag-a-licous. But that 5 lbs was actually in 3 days ...so I'm suffering through it. Can't wait to see what the actual total will be after the end of the first week.
Oh and 30 lbs lost ...is still 60 lbs more than my first homestudy physical in 2006. Fuck you very much China. Your now 5 year long IA program is not so good for a compulsive emotional eater.
My NEW bedroom furniture will be delivered sometime between ...oh the end of February to maybe April. I had no idea the old stuff would sell so quickly. So now I'll be living like a college kid sleeping on a mattress on the floor and getting dressed out of a cardboard box. Oh well.
My BFF is planning a baby shower with no input from me. Which in the end will be absolutely wonderful ... but right now is making me "the control freak" practically hyperventilate.
I've been making my own packing list and feeling scared shitless and completely overwhelmed.
We've not had even a rumor yet for the next cut off date. Today is January 25th. Almost the end of the month. And China seems to be putting more time in between when they're sending out batches. Which means while I should be able to predict a referral and it should be within the next couple of months. The reality is that I have no friggin idea when I'll see my daughter's face.
Oh and that song by the Dixie Chicks came on the radio today while I was driving. The lullaby one that goes "they didn't have you where I come from... how long do you want to be loved... is forever enough?" Yeah that one. And it made me cry.

Packing Lists

2011-01-18T19:24:00.006-05:00

As I move closer and closer to referral I decided it was time to stop putting off the inevitable. So I recently dove head first into the complex world of "Packing Lists". Gasp... scary stuff.

I was quickly overwhelmed. But then I took a deep breath and started to realize... most of them are the same.

Of course, there are many opinions from those that have gone before as to what's important to take and what's not. What surprised me most were the wide variations of those opinions. What was indispensable to one person may have never even been used by someone else.

Which just means I have to take all of it. Everything. Just to be on the safe side. Ugh!

So I've made my own list. That's right. There's a document now saved on my computer that I authored and titled "My China Packing List". Big smile :) It's ginormous though. But I'll be whittling it down over the next couple months.Oh and even though it's ginormous.... I have no clothing on the list yet. Now that doesn't mean I plan to go to China naked. But I need to know when I'll go to China and where I'll be. How else will I know what weather to pack for? But I'm pretty sure I'll be there in the spring. April or May is my guess. So I'll start my clothing plan there.

And clothing for Mia? Well, let's just say I have to decide what NOT to pack. Cuz baby clothes are so dang cute. How will I ever decide?

Feel free to weigh in with your own opinions. I'd love to hear them. What could you not live without? What did you wish you'd left at home? And anyone who traveled in April or May... can you give me an idea of what kind of temperatures to expect? I know it depends on province, too. But what was your experience?

Honoring a Hero

2011-01-09T19:26:00.011-05:00

For those who know the real me on Faceb00k and have seen my posts there all week, you know that one of our local police officers was killed in the line of duty on new year's day. Although she worked for a different jurisdiction, our local law enforcement community is very close knit. It was a deeply felt loss for all of us. But it always is. Police work is just that way. When you choose this career, you're choosing to step into a very large family that stretches worldwide. And although we realize the risks we face in this job... it's still so hard to lose someone.Her death has affected me more than I ever imagined it would. I've struggled this week with a lot of overwhelming emotions. It caused memories to resurface of Jake and how hard it was to lose him. I bury all of that deep in the vault and only really allow myself to feel it on the anniversary of his murder. But this week those memories were forced out.

I also think it affected me more than other losses because the deputy was female. I can't really explain why that makes a difference. I guess maybe because I can relate to it more because of that shared experience. We were also the same age. I think seeing myself in the mirror of her has made me think a great deal of my own mortality.... when I don't really think about it anymore. I mean, I know that far too many police officers are killed in the line of duty. I know I also face that risk. But I don't really THINK about it anymore. This week I did. A lot.

She was also a mother. That may have been what hit me the hardest. I've always done this job with just me in mind. Just me. I know that if I had to lay down my life in the course of doing my job, my family and friends would mourn the loss of me. My community would mourn the loss of me. And that would be difficult. I would never ever wish that on them. But I was okay with the risk. I had come to terms with it. Because it was just me I was risking. But as I move into motherhood.... it's not just me anymore. And it was very very VERY hard for me to process all the feelings that came this week with the thoughts of my own mortality as it relates to this new chapter in my life as a mother.

The outpouring of support from the community has been awe inspiring. There were over 1600 law enforcement and fire vehicles that participated. This is the staging point prior to the processional taken from a news helicopter. And it just shows a portion of the parking lot. The processional was over 2 miles long and took nearly 2 hours just to clear the parking lot. There were police officers, firefighters, emergency workers and some military as well. They came from all over the country. Even a few from Canada attended the deputy's funeral.

On new year's day, after the deputy was shot and killed, a news crew was on scene when a massive gun battle took place between the responding officers and the suspect. During that, another police officer was shot. The cameraman caught it all on tape. The video went viral and got national media coverage. I think because of that... more police agencies were aware of her death and so, therefore, more officers were drawn to attend. It was definitely one of the biggest funerals most of us had ever seen or heard of.Thankfully, the other officer who was wounded survived his injuries. He's already been released from the hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. He also attended the funeral.

Everything about that day was amazing, touching and heartbreaking all at once. The long line of the processional, the citizens standing along the route in 20 degree weather to pay their respects, the fly over by the state patrol helicopters, the 21 gun salute, the over 150 pipers and drummers who played. The majesty and ceremony involved in a funeral for a police officer or firefighter killed in the line of duty is a sight to behold. But one I hope I don't ever see again. If only we could all be that lucky.

All of the above images were taken by a photojournalist from our local newspaper. Except the one below. It was taken by a fellow police officer as he walked to the small country cemetery where the deputy was laid to rest. He said this line of police officers stretched for at least a half a mile. It makes me so proud to have chosen this career. The world lost a good one this week. My thoughts and prayers go out to her family, friends and fellow officers as they now learn how to live without her. I'll do my best to honor her and all the others gone before her every day that I wear this badge. Rest in peace, Suzanne. You've earned your place in Heaven. We'll take it from here.

New Year's Eve

2011-01-04T21:47:00.009-05:00

I decided to spend New Year's Eve with the T's this year as part of my plan to spend as much time with them as I can before Mia comes home. Tatum bailed on us in lieu of spending the night with her BFF. She suggested we have a "boys night" since she'd just spent the night a couple weeks ago. Truth of the matter is... BFF's family was going skating and she thought that sounded more fun. LOL! Tess didn't stay either. But just cuz she's 2 and couldn't hang until midnight. She left with her mom and dad for Thai take out and a quiet evening being the center of attention. I made sure to send her home with party favors. I mean every girl has to have a Happy New Year tiara, right? I love her furrowed brow of concentration trying to blow this thing.A shot of me, Teagan, Travis and Griffey taken by Tanner. We had a chill evening in our pj's just chowing on pizza and watching movies until the ball dropped.
Teagan and Travis were especially fascinated by the whole Times Square party and the ball drop. I had to pull out the laptop to look up the answers to their questions about the ball...how big is it, what's it made of, what do they do with it after it comes down, etc. We looked at a street map of Manhattan so they could see how far the Empire State Building was from the Square. And they wanted to know how tall the ESB was. What did we ever do without G00gle?

Tanner seems to give the stink eye often these days when it comes to picture taking. It's hard to get a decent shot of him.They all thought it was pretty cool to toast the new year at midnight. Teagan especially got a kick out of clinking the fancy glasses. It was cute. He made me rewind the ball drop so he could count it down again and do the glass clinking a second time. 5 year olds are fun.
Griffey, however, was over all the fun and excitement and just wanted to go to bed.
It was a great night and a fun way to ring in the new year. And it's a memory the boys will have forever. Although it's a few days late now, Happy New Year! I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store. I have a feeling it's gonna be the best year of my life!!! :)

Christmas Re-cap

2011-01-02T21:07:00.014-05:00

The day was spent at my sister's house with the whole family. This is the dress and boots I got for Tatum for her birthday. Tess got a pair by default. Just cuz I thought they'd look adorable together. And I was right.

Braeden and Travis

Teagan and Braeden

Tatum

Tanner and his dad

The bigger Travis, Carla and our sister-in-law Kristy

I got the kids Just Dance for the Wii. It was quite amusing watching them rock out their mad dance skills. Aunt Kristy got in on the action. So funny.

Check out this girl's crazy curls. I love her hair. Hope she doesn't lose the curls as she grows up.

It was a good day. But I have to admit... I'm glad it's over. I know it's not wise to wish away time but I just can't wait until next year.

The Last Christmas

2010-12-24T19:30:00.002-05:00

Dear Mia
Five Christmas seasons have passed since I started my journey to you. I thought this one would be easier knowing it was definitely the last without you. But it's not. It may be the hardest yet. Tonight it's Christmas Eve. Which means it's already Christmas morning in China. And all I can think about is the fact that you are here on this earth, somewhere in this world. You are real and you exist. I just don't know you yet.

I wonder who you are.... and where you are. Are you in the orphanage? Or someone's home? I pray that wherever you are ....someone there loves you. I pray there is someone there to hold you, rock you, comfort you. I pray that you are safe and warm and fed.
That's all I want for Christmas.

Next year everything will be different. For both of us. And even though it will be hard at first, I promise it'll be okay. Some day you'll love me as much as I already love you.
Merry Christmas Mia... I can't wait to meet you.
Love Mommy

Tate is Eight!

2010-12-23T17:11:00.011-05:00

Today is Tatum's birthday. Since it falls so close to Christmas, I decided to celebrate with her last Friday. She'd informed me a few weeks ago that in honor of her birthday she wanted to spend the night at my house. That alone is a big deal since she lives with 4 other siblings. Just being away from them is a treat. LOL!

Tatum is our princess. She was the first girl after my sister had two boys. I'm close to all my nieces and nephews but there's just something extra special about the relationship between a niece and her aunt. Next year I won't just be the super-cool-most-awesome-fun-aunt-in-the-world. I'll also be somebody's mom. Which is gonna change the dynamics of our relationship some. So I wanted to make this birthday extra special because next year she'll no longer have my undivided attention.

We started our date off with dinner at Steak-n-Shake. In our matching monkey hats made by Tatum's grandma. Then we went to see Tangled in 3D. Which I must say was very cool.
Afterward it was getting late so we went home to quickly open her gifts. The doll from the movie seemed like a good choice. She also got a cute dress with matching boots. But for some reason I didn't get a photo of her wearing it.
She chose to sleep in my bed. Griffey gave me the cold shoulder and decided to snuggle with Tatum instead. Traitor that he is.....
I had a hair appointment early the next morning. We stopped at Starbucks to pick up a hot chocolate on the way. And a coffee for the grown up. The sweet little girl behind the register bought Tate's drink when she saw the birthday crown she was wearing. Which might have made me even happier than her. LOL!

Since Tatum let it slip that her dad trims her hair (oh the HORROR!), Jessica and I felt it was time she learned how to get her hair did like the big girls do. So while I was waiting for my color to process, she got her turn in the chair.
It looked much better after being evened up and some layers added. I just wonder if daddy will be able to continue to cut it now that she's had the whole wash, cut and style treatment. Before our next stop we fueled up on a slice at the mall food court. But why I scheduled a hair appt at the mall on the weekend before Christmas is beyond me. I'll never do that again.
And finally to wrap up our fun birthday celebration we relaxed with a pedicure. The birthday girl also got a mani so her pink sparkly toes would match her fingers. Can you say "spoiled much"?
The cake and singing and stuff had to wait until Monday. We slipped that in between making Christmas cookies, taking our annual Penguin PJ Pic and watching Polar Express. Who said having a birthday so close to Christmas means you get ripped off? Not this girl!

Happy 8th Birthday Tatum!

Cookie Mayhem 2010

2010-12-22T13:08:00.017-05:00

Epic Failure

2010-12-21T21:58:00.010-05:00

It's pretty ridiculous to think you can coordinate a photo involving 6 kids after 8pm at night. Especially after you've worn them out baking Christmas cookies all afternoon, then allowed them to ingest far too much sugar and run around the house like wild banshees. Oh and did I mention one of them is 2 yrs old? That alone usually spells disaster. But we decided to up the ante by skipping the nap that day.

Can you say "recipe for disaster"?

Somehow I managed to find matching pairs of penguin pj's all the way from toddler up to...well, let's just say grown up size. LOL! For those who have followed my blog over the years, ya know this is an annual tradition for me and my nieces and nephews. Our Penguin Pajama Pics! This year even Braeden joined us.

Things started out completely unorganized as you can see. I look at this photo and can imagine a little balloon over Braeden's head that reads "What the hell have I gotten myself into? These people are crazy!" Things started to unravel pretty much immediately after this.Almost got one. But the 2 yr old decided not to cooperate.We got a little closer with this one. But wait... that dang 2 yr old again.
Then we just gave up. Somehow the best pic we ended up with was when we completely lost control. They all turned on us and decided goofy faces were more fun. Oh well. There's always next year, I guess.By the way, credit for the title of this post goes to the teenager. I think he repeated this phrase about 157 times yesterday. It seemed fitting for this occasion.

See? Told Ya So

2010-12-15T19:12:00.002-05:00

My happy face is back on! There's a strong rumor over at RQ that the next cut off date will be May 29th and referrals will arrive next week. Things change fast in China adoption, ya know. Let's hope this rumor is true!

Cuz that would mean ....by all calculations... I should be NEXT NEXT. Not in this December batch. And not in the next batch. But in that 3rd batch. Which I predict could arrive late February. But more likely in early March because of Chinese New Year.

But my birthday is in February. And I can think of no better gift. Just saying. In case anyone from the CCAA might be listening.

54 Months Later...

2010-12-14T19:41:00.003-05:00

And still no end in sight. Still no word from CCAA about referrals for December. Although there are now rumors circulating they're gonna skip this month. My hopes of a January referral are gone. Then with Chinese New Year the first week of February.... I'm starting to think it may be March before I hear something.

So today marks 54 months since China logged in my dossier. That's four and a half years people! January will actually be FIVE YEARS since I started this process. Five flippin' years of my life. Who could've ever imagined I'd still be stuck here. This is insane. Absolutely ridiculous. How can an international adoption program string people along for 5+ years? It's just not right to run a program that way.

Please don't tell me how China doesn't owe me a child, that there are no guarantees in IA, that there aren't enough paper ready babies, blah blah blah. I'm well aware of all that. Please don't tell me how worth it she'll be. I get that. Please don't tell me about God's plan. Cuz I don't wanna hear about it. Don't tell me everything happens for a reason. I don't care right now. And certainly don't tell me how long you waited...if it was less than 54 months...cuz I might just punch you in the face.

Sorry. But today I just need to be pissed off. Cuz I'm sick of this shit. So feel free to vent away with me. Tell me how much this sucks. I'm in total agreement. But don't try to paint rainbows and sunshine for me. I'll just bulldoze right on over them.

Today I'm ANGRY! Tomorrow I'll put my happy face back on.

The Rollercoaster Continues

2010-12-09T19:32:00.004-05:00

Everyone always said The Wait is hardest at the end. I didn't completely understand that until now. I know I'm not NEXT. And I'm fairly confident I'm not even NEXT NEXT... yet this is getting harder already. I'd been doing pretty good lately with all things adoption. As far as my emotions go, I mean. Lord knows... I've struggled at times during the last four and a half years. But for the past several months I was feeling refreshed, excited. Dare I say ... happy even.

And 98% of the time I still am. That feels good.

But I'm also starting to feel moments of sadness, too. I know those moments will become stronger over the next couple months. Right now I'm still pushing it outta my head for the most part. Because it's easier to make myself numb and not face it. Not think about the fact that my daughter already exists in this world. That hurts. I can physically feel the ache in my heart in those moments when I let my guard down and those thoughts sneak in. I'm not ready to deal with that yet. But it's coming.

And stress. Did I think I'd felt adoption stress before now? You betcha. But now... oh boy. It takes on a whole new dimension. And guess what? I'm fully aware that it's only gonna get worse. The closer I get, the stress will increase. When I'm finally holding that picture .... it'll be magnified by a million. All my emotions will be. Happiness. Sadness. Excitement. Anticipation. Fear.

The not knowing is killing me right now. The CCAA hasn't sent a batch of referrals out since Nov 1st. And there are no rumors circulating either. Today is already Dec 10th in China. How can we not have heard something by now??? During this entire process...as long as referrals kept coming on a fairly regular basis I was able to hold it together. I was able to keep the faith. Keep hanging on.

But now that I'm so close to a referral ....the unknown has become excruciating. How far will they get next time? When will the batch come? What will the cut off date be? Will they do 2 batches in December? Will they squeak one in before Chinese New Year? Which one will I be in?

So close... and yet still so far.

And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

2010-12-06T21:20:00.008-05:00

Tatum and Travis had their school Christmas concert this weekend. So now I shall subject you to photos of the event. First up... second graders. And just in case you can't tell where Tatum is...well, she's right in the middle under the big green arrow. LOL!

Cute, isn't she. And the fourth graders. Travis is on the top row right in the middle with the adorable grin.The video was taken by my brother-in-law who somehow managed to cut his son completely out of the frame. But I love it anyway just cuz the song is so fun. It's a crazy sound effect filled version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" that just cracked me up. Don't feel obligated to watch it unless you're actually related to me. But if you do...check out the little girl front row in the green dress. She's having a blast.

Guess What?!

2010-12-02T22:29:00.002-05:00

Good news, y'all!
You CAN try to win one of my mom's fabulous hats!!
So many folks are loving on these gorgeous handmade hats that she decided to offer 2 hats of the winner's choosing in
Stefanie's 30 Days of Giveaways.
She'll even custom make them in whatever color you want!

So get over there and
ENTER TO WIN!

Crafty Deliciousness

2010-11-29T16:42:00.006-05:00

I'm pretty sure I get my crafty creative gene from my mother. She has a passion for knitting, crocheting and sewing. And she's pretty damn good at it. Just look at this GOR-GE-OUS blanket she made for Mia!!! The colors are perfect, of course. And it's so soft. I absolutely love it!
My sister and I had been on her for awhile to open a little shop on Etsy. She's retired now and we thought it would be a nice way to supplement her income. Plus... her talent is totally Made-Of-Awesome. Well, she finally did! And she has some super cute things in her store. She makes just about anything from baby shoes, scarves and sweaters to different kinds of photo props. But her big thing lately has been making hats. She loves her some hats.

You guys know Stefanie from Ni Hao Y'all? And you've probably seen her adorable children? Well, mom decided to participate in Stefanie's 30 Days of Giveaways project in order to generate some interest in her store. She offered up a whole box of funky hats. But Stef's kids fell in love with the hats instead. So outta the kindness of her heart.... my mom decided she wanted the kids to just keep 'em. In exchange for cute pics of the models, of course. Check them out here. Totally adorable, right? The kids and the hats! I love that sock monkey. I think that's my fave. Although the black and white with the hot pink flower is so my style, too. Oh geez...maybe I need one of each. LOL!

Sorry ...no chance of winning one but you can check out Mom's shop to place an order. I think she's now planning something else to send Stefanie for the giveaway. I'll let y'all know when I find out what it is and what day it's up.

Mom also sews like nobody's business. Her granddaughters have all been blessed with sweet little twirly skirts and dresses. I already have several requests in for Mia when we figure out her size. ;) Mom made curtains for several rooms in my house. Growing up we had handmade Halloween costumes that were the envy of all the other trick-or-treaters. She even made the bridesmaid dresses for my BFF's wedding many years ago. So I'm really hoping she opens up her Etsy shop to some sewing projects as well at some point.

I already have a pair of crocheted little Ugg type boots on reserve. Oh and a pair of crocheted Mary Janes. Gawd are they cute! Wait til ya see.....

So go check out my mom's Etsy shop called

"Not Your Average Grandma"

and tell her you're a friend of mine if you place an order.

Updates

2010-11-23T18:27:00.006-05:00

After listening to everyone's advice and weighing all the options, I chose the Nikon D3100. I liked that Nikon was reported to be more user friendly than Canon. I absolutely need user friendly. I also didn't want to spend too little or too much. Something middle of the road was my thinking. This one fit the bill. And I found a pre-Black Friday sale with a magnificent price so I jumped on it. Amaz0n will be shipping it soon. Then I'll just have to figure out how to use it. My brother has promised some lessons.

Laurie asked in the comment section about what luggage I ended up buying. A lot of folks both here and on Rumor Queen were singing the praises of rolling duffels. So that's what I got. The link to my LL Bean large duffel is here. Of course, I chose the pink print fabric. ;) I used it for my Florida vacation and I really liked it. You can fit a ton of stuff inside and it's still pretty lightweight. My only complaint is that it doesn't stand up on it's own. Which is annoying. But not that big of a deal. Especially since it'll be my check in bag. So it's not like I'll be lugging it all over the airport.

Carol - if you're still out there... I might take you up on your offer to borrow yours though. My sister will need something to pack her clothes in. But I still have plenty of time to figure it out. :)

For those of you praying for Christian, the 16 yr old son of a fellow officer who was struck by a car, he's hanging in there. He's had some surgery to start repairing the broken parts of his body. The day after his accident, we heard he had a "severe brain injury" which was very concerning and didn't sound optimistic. But a couple days later it was reported that his neurosurgeon was "impressed" with his progress. We're still not really sure what that means. But just the fact that he's fighting is good news at this point. So thank you for the prayers. They're being heard.

Which Camera?

2010-11-17T19:03:00.009-05:00

I mentioned in an earlier post that I really need a better camera. My sucky point and shoot can barely catch a good shot of a stationary object...let alone a hyperspeed baby. So it's time I upgrade to a DSLR camera.

And it occurred to me that now is the time to do it. Like right NOW. Black-Friday is just next week. Then there's Cyber-Monday and a gazillion other h0liday sales. If I'm gonna find a good price...it's now.
But I have no idea what I need. I haven't done ANY research. I have no idea what kind to buy. Then I thought... why research? I have a blog! That's what this thing is for, right? I'll just ask the blogosphere. LOL! So here's where I need all the mamarazzi out there to guide me. And you guys, too. I'm open to suggestions from anyone. :)

I want something pretty easy to operate. I don't need a lot of bells and whistles that I don't understand. Remember, I'm a beginner. But it also has to be something that'll grow with me as I learn to use it properly.

I'd love to take beautiful photos a la Lisa or the uber talented Kitchu .....but I'm not that optimistic. I'm very technologically challenged. No, I mean VERY. Gadgets are just not my thing. However I do consider myself pretty artistic. So I'm hoping with some practice I'll get the hang of it and capture some really great moments with my little girl.

I just wish I'd started the practice sooner. But I still have 2-3 months before referral (or more. Who am I kidding ....we ARE talking China adoption, right?) and then those 6-8 weeks before travel. I'm hoping I can maybe take a photography class or something during that time.

So help me out all you experienced-with-the-camera-people. What do you suggest?

Miserable Day

2010-11-16T17:40:00.002-05:00

It's been raining all afternoon. Dark and gray and gloomy. With just enough chill in the air to make you wanna curl up in your pajamas. It seems fitting for my heavy heart. Our police department has been hit pretty hard over the last few days and the mood at work is somber, to say the least.

Last night I went to a viewing for a young man named Eric who was killed in a motorcycle accident on Friday. His father and uncle are fellow detectives. Both veterans of our department. Eric grew up as a member of our police family. He was only 24.

I stood in line for nearly 2 hours to pay my respects. It was comforting to see so much support for the family. But it was heart breaking to see a mother and father grieving the loss of their oldest child. Absolutely heart breaking.

Then this morning when I got to work I learned another officer's 16 yr old son was struck by a car last night as he walked along the highway. He was air lifted from the scene and is now in ICU in critical condition. His injuries are massive. By this afternoon the news was not good. But we're praying.

If you're so inclined, maybe you could say a few as well. His name is Christian.

Two of my friends. One learning to live without his son. One facing a very long road of recovery for his son....or worse. Two tragic events within a matter of days of each other. Doesn't even seem real.

Hugs your kids a little tighter tonight. And be grateful that you can.

53 down

2010-11-14T18:17:00.003-05:00

Thanks for all the advice about how to handle the sleeping thing. It's a lot to think about. Hearing your stories helped immensely. The biggest take away is to let my daughter guide me. I'll do whatever works best for her. Because no matter what... we both need good sleep. Stay tuned. I'm sure they'll be another over analyzing freak out coming soon. :)

Co-sleeping... yes or no?

2010-11-11T18:30:00.005-05:00

Alright y'all. Here's the deal. I know you're out there cuz I can see ya on my sitemeter ....but very few are speaking up. I'm not a comment whore. Normally I could give a shit less. But like I said..... I'm only 21 days of LID's away from a referral. That could translate to me becoming a mom in just a few short months!!! Albeit a long distance mom at first... but still a mom. And I'm freakin' the bleep out!!!!

Seriously though. I need help. I need advice, opinions. I need the wisdom of all the been there done that moms out there. So I'm asking you to weigh in. Please. My brain is about to explode from all this over analyzing.

Today's topic... co-sleeping.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. A LOT. There's a thread on RQ that started my mind a'spinning. Now I know this is one of those issues that people have strong opinions about. Some agree that it's a great idea... and some don't. So please no flaming. Everyone's decision is right if it works for your family. And I need to hear all perspectives so I can make an informed decision about how I'm going to do this sleeping thing.

Way way way back in early 2006, when I first started this adoption, I definitely planned to put Mia in a crib in her own room. That's what you do with babies, right? Plus I'm a selfish sleeper. I want my space in bed. I wanna be comfortable. And I made that beautiful room for her, ya know. So naturally I would prefer her in it.

But.... now I'm not so sure. I'm leaning the other way.

Everything I'm reading right now seems to be promoting the benefits of co-sleeping for attachment, especially in children who started out in orphanage care. And I wanna do what's best for my daughter. At all costs. I've already let go of all the selfish notions I've carried around all these years of being a single, carefree woman. My daughter comes first. I come second.

But as usual I'm overthinking it all. I'm trying to imagine how it would work. Like the true logistics of it and how I would practice it in my own life. So tell me peeps... how does this work for you? Do you co-sleep? Or not?

With co-sleeping....do you put her in bed with you? Or on a mattress in your room? Or just pull the crib up to the side of your bed?

Do you go to sleep when she does? But babies go to sleep REALLY early, right? So do you wait for her to fall asleep and then get up to do chores, have some "alone" time, watch TV, etc? Or do you just go to bed at like 8 o'clock at night?

How does your morning routine work? Does she wake up when your alarm goes off if she's in bed with you? Or can you get up and get ready for work while she stays asleep awhile longer?

Am I sentencing myself to a lifetime of having her in bed with me if I start this? How do you ever get them into their own bed? In their own room? Uhmmm.... intimacy? I know I'm single but a girl still has needs. Does co-sleeping mean I'll never get laid again? Ever? LOL! Yeah yeah, I know. Single mom = probably not much anyway.

I know my situation is unique and not like yours. I know you can't give me an instruction manual. But I'd like to hear how you do the co-sleeping thing, how it works for you. Or if you don't do it and how that works for you. If you're not comfortable sharing in the comments section, feel free to e-mail me. My link is on the sidebar.

Thanks so much, guys. I'm looking forward to hearing your perspectives as I work through these things and make decisions about how to best raise my daughter. Sigh... my daughter. I like the sound of that. :)

Let's Catch Up Bullet Style

2010-11-09T18:57:00.008-05:00

As has become a tradition, I went trick-or-treating with the T's. Braeden joined us again this year. The two oldest T's aren't too big to go begging for candy but are apparently way too cool to do it with their parents and younger siblings. So they're not pictured since I didn't see Travis at all that night and only saw Tanner for about 5 minutes. Teagan was supposed to be a race car driver but at the last minute abandoned his costume in favor of the one he wore last year. Tatum is some sort of medieval queen. At least that's our best guess. She picked it out. The other two need no explanation. It was a fun night made even better by the beautiful weather. And it's so very exciting to know that next year Mia will finally be here to join us!

I finally got my furnace fixed. In true procrastinator form I didn't take care of it over the summer. Even though I knew during those last couple of cold spring days that the pilot light wouldn't stay lit. Nope. I waited until it started getting chilly again. So that was a huge pain in the ass. But after some trial and error the problem was diagnosed and corrected. Now I breathe a huge sigh of relief every time I hear that old monster start rumbling and then feel the glorious heat. Thank goodness that's done.

I also just bought a new washer/dryer. The old dryer finally kicked the bucket. But I got my money's worth out of it. I bought that set from an ex-boyfriend in 1996. So it was already "used" at that point and lasted 14 more years. But O>M>G am I loving doing laundry now! Seriously. My clothes are cleaner than ever before. And in way less time. Who knew laundry could be so exciting? Dear gawd... I need to get out more. LOL!

Random thought... is it really almost Thanksgiving? How is that even possible?

At work the other day a female suspect in one of my cases was upset and complaining that the arresting officer had violated her "prostitutional rights". And no she's not a hooker. Just stupid, apparently.

Anybody watching Dancing with the Stars? I can't believe Jennifer-Grey is 50 yrs old. She looks damn good. Did you see how far she extended her leg last night? Wow. Truth be told.. I have a major crush on Maks. That's my excuse for watching.

I'm currently reading this book. So far I'm really liking it. I think it'll be one that I come back to from time to time for advice. I read "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray which is one of the often recommended books in IA. I didn't dig it. I didn't feel any more educated after reading it than I already was just through other blogs and RQ all these years. Plus it seemed geared more towards older child adoption and foster child adoption. Any favorite adoption/attachment/parenting books y'all want to recommend? I'm power studying in these last few months before referral.

Speaking of referrals, CCAA has matched through May 23rd. Which means I'm only 21 log in dates away. 21! That's not a lot. The next batch will be telling. How far they get and when the batch comes will help me narrow my prediction window better. I'm still thinking January is possible. Probable even. But it could push into February. Hopefully not March... but again it could definitely happen. Who ever knows with China? But one thing is for sure... I'm getting very close.

Next Halloween....

2010-10-29T20:44:00.003-04:00

Last October I saw this costume in a catalog. I knew it HAD to be The One for Mia's first trick-or-treat. But I hesitated in buying it. First, because I wasn't really sure when she'd be home or how old she'd be when her first Halloween rolled around. Second, because everywhere I looked it was priced between $40-$60. That's a lot of money. Especially when taking a risk that I'd choose the wrong size and she'd not be able to wear it.But after Halloween I saw it on sale! For only $17.99 with free shipping. I did some calculations and took a guess that the 12-18 mth size would probably fit. For less than $20 I was willing to take the chance. And with the most likely scenario now being that I'll get a referral just after the first of the year and travel to bring her home in the spring, I'm confident I guessed right.

So next year.... Mia will be an adorable little top hat wearing penguin as she finally gets to go trick-or-treating with her cousins for the very first time. Which will be a dream a long time coming. And I'm so looking forward to it.

New Curtains

2010-10-24T23:15:00.004-04:00

For anyone who pays attention to my decorating projects, you may have noticed a couple posts ago that I had different curtains in the living room. While I did like the original project, I had grown tired of them. So I asked my mom to make another set. That way I can switch them out from time to time.
This is the original set. I was really a little sad that I wasn't in love with them anymore since I hand beaded that valance...which was a nightmare. Oh well. You live and learn.
Here are the new ones. I luv luv luv them! Two totally different looks to suit my different moods. Thanks again for your sewing skills, mom.

The Ugly Side of a Country I Have Come To Love

2010-10-21T20:33:00.007-04:00

A woman was taken from her home by government officials. Her crime? According to the officials, she had violated the one child policy imposed by her government. She already had a 9 year old daughter. But this woman was from the countryside, where families are allowed to have a second child if the firstborn is a daughter. However, her husband is from the city where the policy is enforced. So there was some confusion about which part of the policy should apply to their situation. Instead of being offered an alternate solution, such as paying a fine, she received a much harsher punishment. A forced abortion. She was 8 months pregnant.

This cruel and inhumane practice still takes place in modern day China. In fact, this family's ordeal just happened about a week ago. This is one of the many reasons I chose to adopt a baby girl from this country. So that I can raise her as a strong, empowered, valued woman who has the freedom to make her own choices.

Watch the video below of the father being interviewed by a journalist about the incident. There is no freedom of speech in his country. Speaking out could come at great consequence to him. But I applaud his bravery. So I chose to allow his voice to be heard here in my little space of the cyberworld. I pray this violent practice of dragging women from their homes and forcing them into abortions or sterilization stops. There has to be a better solution.

Read a news article about this family here.

Learn more about China's One Child Policy here.

And always remember to be grateful for your freedom.

The Dining Room

2010-10-19T20:12:00.014-04:00

In preparation for Mia's arrival and the lack of time, energy and money that will surely follow, I've been trying to get as many little projects done around the house as I possibly can. I'm pleased to report that I'm finally officially finished with the dining room. From floor to ceiling. Complete.
Although I currently don't actually "dine" in there much. Generally only when I have company. I'm a single girl on the go. My meals at home are almost always eaten in front of the TV. That practice will have to stop when I go from being just me to a family of two.
I recently added this bookcase. It and the baskets were white but I wasn't satisfied with that so they became black. The baskets are gonna be an attempt to keep Mia's toys under control. I have a small house so a lot of her toys will end up downstairs.
Above I added a stemware rack. Toys and cocktails. A solution for both Mia and mommy. LOL!
Some pretty little decor items. The "G" is for our last name. I really like the shape of the 3 tiered serving tower. I'm not sure if I should leave it be or put something on it for decoration. Any ideas? Thoughts?
My old computer armoire was evicted from what used to be my office as that room transitions back into a spare bedroom. The armoire ended up here. I like the mix of black and pine furniture together in the room.
I adore my china cabinet. It's gargantuan. But somehow it still works, I think. I love all the pretty dishes it displays.
So remember the small house issue? This is the only place in the entire house that I could fit a play kitchen. It works here because I'll be able to sit in the living room and do my own thing but still supervise and be close to her.
Plus..I mean LOOK at it. How could I not get this fabulous PINK retro kitchen for my baby girl?! Her chair will move into the living room when she comes home. But for now remains shoved in the corner to keep me from tripping over it.
So there ya have it. More projects to follow. The clock is ticking and momma has more work to do. Oh and one other thing I've discovered. I need a better camera. My little point and shoot sucks. Wonder if I have enough time to learn how to operate one of those fancy DSLR cameras?

Congratulations Lisa!

2010-10-18T07:01:00.004-04:00

It's always exciting to share this moment. This moment when another adoptive mother meets her child for the first time. And because of the long wait in China adoption there seem to be fewer and fewer people traveling. So these moments aren't as common in blogland like they once were. Today was the day that Lisa met Reagan. Click here to follow along on the rest of their journey. Congratulations again, my friend! She's absolutely breathtaking.

It Was Meant To Be

2010-10-14T19:18:00.017-04:00

A couple months ago, I realized I had almost 3 weeks of vacation time I had to burn up by the end of the year or I'd lose it. Seems that trip to China I was saving it for is a little further off than I'd estimated.

(Insert eye roll.)

I decided to get away for awhile. My first thought was to spend some time at the ocean. So I googled "beach house rental" and look what popped up on the very first page of the very first site I clicked on.
This PINK beach house!

With hot pink beach chairs even. Oh be still my heart! I think I'm in love.

When we arrived and saw this amazingly, spectacular, breathtaking view it was a unanimous decision.....we'd found heaven on earth.

I say "we" cuz look who came to join me.
Well, not just my furry little soulmate. My sister and my friend (aka my hairdresser) Jessica also came along. There's nothing like sitting by the ocean with a cocktail and having your hair colored. LOL! No seriously... she really is my hairdresser and she brought her gear to do my hair while we were down there. Carla even let Jessica give her a little cut.

I also finally got to meet my good friend, Suzie, who came to stay a couple days with us. She's another single China mom-to-be with an '06 LID. We share the same agency and found each other years ago through our blogs. We've bonded during this incredibly difficult and crazy wait for our daughters. And helped keep each other sane during the transition when we were forced to change agencies. That was an especially stressful time and I was so grateful to have someone else weathering that storm with me. So even though we just officially "met"...we've been friends for a few years now.
Isn't this adorable? Aunt Suzie brought this backpack and lunch bag set for Mia. I love it!
There aren't many photos of our time at the house. Cameras were off limits because there was a strict "no make up and no curling iron" rule in effect. But Griffey always looks good, doesn't he? Except that he almost got me arrested. Apparently, there's also a "no dogs on the beach" rule. Which I think is stupid....but apparently the beach patrol does not. So we just waited until "the Hoff" was out of sight and snuck back out on the sand. Cuz that's how we roll.
This was our week long "slumber party at the beach". Our days were spent in swimsuits with our feet up enjoying the views, the smell of the ocean and the sound of the surf.
Many cocktails were consumed. Including mucho margaritas, of course. But boy do they melt fast under that sun. Which means we just had to drink them faster. LOL!
Most of all we Relaxed.....with a capital R. We laid around and were as lazy as we possibly could be soaking up the sun, reading books, watching TV, swimming in the ocean, walking on the sand, enjoying lots of girl talk and eating, eating and did I mention eating? Although some of us chose to nap....
We're all busy women with busy, stressful lives and this was exactly what we needed to refresh and recharge our batteries.
I spent a lot of time that week in the peacefulness just reflecting on the last 52 months (as of today actually) of waiting for Mia. I also spent a lot of time thinking about how much my life is about to change. After all, this is sure to be my last vacation as a single, carefree woman with only a little dog to look after.Next time I visit the ocean... I'll be a mom.And I'll stand on the beach introducing all of this beauty to my daughter. I can't wait!

Lots of Soccer!

2010-09-24T15:13:00.007-04:00

Teagan

Tatum

Travis

Braeden

Quick Bullet Update

2010-09-21T19:27:00.003-04:00

Work has been sucking the life out of me. Maybe that's a little dramatic...but it's definitely draining my energy. The massive volume of cases I'm working is overwhelming. And I don't see it getting any better any time soon. By the end of the work day all I want to do is turn my brain off. Hence the lack of blog posting.
Speaking of work...the police dept has decided the answer to their (many) problems is to "reorganize". No one really knows what that means other than they intend to take 5 districts and make them into only 3. But the fact is... the manpower will be the same (less actually with a large number of retirements scheduled at the first of the year), the geographical size of the city will be the same. Yet somehow dividing the pie differently is going to change everything. Really? Every logistical question that has been asked about how this is going to work has been answered with crickets chirping. I just don't get how a decision can be presented as a solution with no explanation of How It's Actually Going To Work.
Both of the things mentioned above are leading to the heaviest amount of job stress I've experienced in my 15 yr law enforcement career. But I'm trying to focus on the positive. Which lately has just consisted of the simple phrase..."At least I'm still getting a paycheck".
Three of the five T's are playing soccer. So is my brother's son. I'm trying to attend games as much as I can. But even the most-awesome-super-cool-fun-aunt in the world has trouble dividing herself four ways. LOL!
I went camping with all the T's, their parents and my BFF over Labor Day weekend. It was so much fun! But it helps that my sister has a travel trailer with plenty of sleeping room, a full kitchen, flat screen TV and bathroom. Does that even still count as camping? I'll add some pics from our adventure in another post.
I'm feeling the clock winding down as I move closer and closer to referral. Which means lots of projects being completed around the house, starting to think about things like which high chair do I want, what are my plans for daycare, which luggage to buy, oh my gawd I have so many attachment and parenting books to read, how fast can I lose 50 lbs, and many other "I'm NOT READY!" freak outs. Really, Krista? It's been over four and a half YEARS! How can you not feel ready? LOL!
I'm ready. If they call me tomorrow...it'll all fall into place. I know that. :)
But speaking of calling, I'm still expecting that to happen in January. Although we haven't had a batch yet this month. Which is beginning to look like they may skip September altogether. That will most likely push me back. But I'm still expecting my window for referral to be Jan/Feb/March with travel to bring her home happening about 6-8 wks after that. I'm not discouraged at this news. After 51 months of waiting....one or two more months is no sweat.
I'm going on vacation next week. I'm so freakin' excited!!!! More about that later.
My brain is tired. I'm done. ;)

2010-09-14T07:35:00.003-04:00

My dusty old dossier has sat on a shelf in China for 51 months as of today. In other news, I'm a major blog slacker. But you already knew that, right? LOL! I promise an update soon. :)

Luggage?

2010-08-30T16:15:00.003-04:00

Since I've decided to start believing that I'm actually gonna get a referral and travel to China, it's time to start making some plans. I want to do as much as I can ahead of time. One ...to keep me busy while I wait. And two... so I don't have to stress out nearly as much during those last 6 weeks or so between referral and travel.

So over the next few months I expect I'll be here often asking for advice and opinions about all kinds of different China adoption related topics.

Let's start with luggage. What do you experienced folks suggest? What worked best for you? I've seen lots of talk on RQ of rolling duffles. Thoughts? How many pieces did you take? And forget the Carry-On-Only route. There's no way I can do that. I imagine I'll have a backpack for my laptop and other important stuff. Do I also get a carry on suitcase/duffle plus a checked bag? Is it just one checked bag per person?

Okay there's the topic ...LUGGAGE. Now discuss. :)

Things Are Finally Moving

2010-08-23T16:31:00.004-04:00

My log in date has finally made it to Rumor Queen's Projections Post!! She thinks I'll see Mia's face in January. And so do I!

For my friends and family that don't live and breathe all things China adoption related, let me try to explain the chart. The months listed in the first column are the upcoming calendar months. The next column is her projections for how far China will get with matching during that month. I don't ever look beyond that first column because ....as you can see by the column headings... the other projections are based on numbers China was doing back during those times. And we all know China has consistently slowed over the last 4 yrs...not gone any faster. It's a safe bet that won't change.

So according to the chart, my June 14th LID is expected to be matched in January! Only 5 more months from right now!!!!!!

Conversations with a 5 year old

2010-08-16T20:22:00.008-04:00

Braeden and Teagan

As I was packing up the car to leave my sister's house after our family reunion yesterday.
Teagan: Are you leaving?
Aunt K: Yep. Just gotta go back in and get my crockpot.
Teagan: What's a crockpot?
Aunt K: Well..it's like a big bowl with a cord that you plug in. The bowl gets hot and cooks your food.
Teagan: Oh...
10 seconds later as we enter the house...
Teagan: (pointing to the crockpot) Is that the crockpot?
Aunt K: Yep.
Teagan: Oh...for FROGS?
Aunt K: Uhhhmm.... well if you wanna slow cook a frog ...then yes, I guess.

My LID Turns 50!

2010-08-14T13:10:00.004-04:00

Remember back in the spring of 2006 when my agency said it would be 12-18 months to complete this adoption? I do. Well... it's now 50 months later. It's really hard to believe that I still sit here waiting. But the good news is..... I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still on track to get a referral in January. That's only 5 months from now. And with the holidays and year's end approaching... I think it's gonna fly by!

We're having a family reunion tomorrow. I just got off the phone with my sister talking about it. I said to her "This is gonna be the last family reunion without a kid. Next year I'll be bringing Mia."

And I actually believe it this time.

Crack is Whack

2010-08-11T22:50:00.005-04:00

As a police detective, I see a lot of weird shit. Well, today something happened that will go down in my "Weird Shit Hall Of Fame". I thought y'all might enjoy a crazy little re-cap.

So this morning I'm interviewing an older crackhead woman. She'd been arrested on a warrant I'd issued because her baby daddy (yes that's a proper police term... sort of) alleged she kicked in his door and pointed a gun at him. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn't. Who really knows? But that's not the interesting part.

As we're sitting in the interrogation room, I first notice that she's missing several front teeth. Both upper and lower. But there are a couple still hanging on. I also realize that as she's talking she keeps putting her fist in front of her mouth. Like you do when you cough politely. I thought maybe she had some skanky crack breath and was trying to shield me from it. Which I appreciated greatly. But maybe she just had the foresight to realize what was to come next...

She becomes more and more agitated as we talk. She isn't happy about the accusations her baby daddy has made and is trying to convince me he's a liar. Well, as her agitation level increases her voice becomes louder, her words start coming faster. As she's rambling on and on and on, suddenly I hear this strange noise. "Phht"... and a tooth comes shooting out of her mouth.

I'll let you collect yourselves why you visualize that.....

Without missing a beat or even a pause in her sentence, she reaches up with lightening speed, grabs the tooth in mid-air, opens her fist to take a peek and shoves it into her pocket.

Hand to God...it really happened.

I sit there in disbelief... just trying to process what I'd witnessed. I mean, her tooth didn't just fly outta her mouth, right? That just doesn't happen. No, no... I think it did. What else could it have been? She's an inmate in the jail. They don't give them gum. So it wasn't that.

These thoughts are floating through my head as she continues to talk. Which means her mouth is open. I manage to catch a glimpse inside and realize there is indeed one less tooth up top.

Maybe the tooth fairy will visit the jail tonight. That's the only reason I could fathom why in the world she would keep it. I mean, it's not like there's a dental plan for crackheads. Did she think somehow it could be reattached? Did she want to keep it as a souvenir?

I don't know what was weirder... the tooth flying out, that mid-air catch, or the fact that she stuck her own tooth in her pocket and acted like nothing even happened.

Told ya, Weird Shit Hall Of Fame fer shur.

2 Years Later...

2010-08-10T00:03:00.004-04:00

How can a baby born with a full head of straight dark hair...

turn into a curly haired blonde two year old?It's crazy how different she looks now, isn't it?

Happy 2nd Birthday Tess!

*Her birth video is here.

Knew He Was A Hottie But.....

2010-07-31T11:15:00.005-04:00

My bestie and I headed down to the river on Tuesday to see J0hn Mayer in concert. He was phenomenal! I snagged these pics from another friend. Cuz I actually followed the rule that said "No Cameras Allowed". I know... what was I thinking?
It was an outdoor venue but we were lucky enough to get tickets for some really great seats instead of being way back on the lawn. The only downside.... the temp and humidity were freakin' sweltering already. Then pack all those people in like sardines. Ugh! It was miserable. Luckily, they had a margarita vendor to help ease the pain. And JM was worth it. I'm a big fan of his music.

But next time I think it's a great idea to go to an outdoor concert in July.... remind me of this night, please. So I can find an air conditioned venue or wait for the fall/winter tour. LOL!

Wanna Buy The Chair?

2010-07-31T10:50:00.008-04:00

For those of you who asked.... it can be found here. Make sure you enter the promo code MONEYSAVER at checkout to save 10% if you plan a purchase.

I absolutely love this chair! It seems very sturdy and well built. I'll have to see if that's true once Mia actually gets here though. But so far I'm very happy that I splurged and bought it. It'll live in the living room for lounging and TV watching. Unfortunately, there's no more space in her bedroom. Luckily, it matches my decor perfectly and looks like it was made for the room. :)

Simply Fabulous

2010-07-23T21:48:00.002-04:00

What?
Of course she HAD to have it.
Doesn't every little girl need a hot pink chenille rocker and ottoman with her name on it?
Don't judge. LOL!

WTF is a Meow Meow?

2010-07-21T22:49:00.002-04:00

Anyone watching Big-Brother? It's a summertime guilty pleasure for me. Totally mindless drama. And there really isn't much else on TV to watch this time of year anyway. So let's dish about the cast, shall we?

Rachel - This chick drives me insane. She has giant, ridiculous looking boobs, the most annoying voice and laugh, comes across like she has only a few dying brain cells left in her head...yet she's supposedly a chemist? Seriously? Her game play sucks cuz she's latched on to Brendon and is gonna play the game as his little bitch, doing whatever makes HIM happy. Moron.

Brendon - Yeah.... he lost all cool points with me when he started screwing the moron listed above. Enuff said.

Britney and Monet - So far the only thing I can see is they're total catty bitches trash talking everyone. Rachel is their biggest target. Yet they cry their eyes out when she puts them on the block for eviction. Are you really surprised?

Andrew - What the hell is the matter with this guy? He's socially retarded. Just hasn't got a clue.

Matt - Over playing the game and it's gonna come back to bite him soon.

Enzo - Douchebag. First of all, he came up with a stupid name for his alliance. The Brigade. Really? Then he nicknames himself "The Meow Meow". WTF does that even mean? Does that mean something in Jersey? Cuz I'm from the midwest and here it means nothing more than maybe "you're an idiot for calling yourself that". Anyone from Jersey wanna shed some light here? Kristen? Every time he opens his mouth to speak I just have this overwhelming urge to punch him in the face.

Haven't really formed any solid opinions on anyone else yet. But I'll be watching. A few more episodes in and maybe I'll identify a favorite. Right now though... I'm just thinking this cast is pretty underwhelming considering the last couple seasons.

Thoughts?

They're Gonna Give Me A Baby? Really?

2010-07-19T20:13:00.007-04:00

It's official. China really did match through May 10th. So that keeps me on target for a January referral with travel most likely late Feb/early March. Which is only about 7-8 mths away.

With that realization there has been much freak out in my head the last week. I mean, I knew when I made the decision to adopt that meant I'd have a baby someday. But it's really hitting me that I'll actually have to take care of said baby and attempt to successfully raise her to adulthood. YKWIM?

Take this evening for example. A simple trip to the grocery store. Well, simple in my old life. The single, care free, worry about no one but myself life. But now... now everything was a freak out. I passed a woman in the produce section shopping with a baby in a car seat thingy attached to her cart...and it went downhill from there.

Is that how I'm going to have to shop from now on? How do you even get that thing attached to the cart? What if the baby throws a fit in the middle of the store? What kind of groceries am I even going to buy? What do you feed a baby? What if she's allergic to something? Will I only figure that out as she goes into anaphylactic shock? Oh crap... I have to find a pediatrician. How do I do that? Do you interview a doc before the baby gets here? What makes a pediatrician a good one?

Stop. Snap out of it. It'll all be fine. You'll figure it out. That's what I told myself. Until I passed the mom with the baby again....

How am I going to load the groceries in the car? Put the baby in first? What if she starts crying? What if it's hot? Start the car and turn on the air. What if the door accidentally locks? Now she's stuck in there and the thing is running. No... keep her in the cart while I unload it. But what if a car loses control and comes careening through the parking lot? Better put her in the car. But then how do I get the cart back? And how do I carry the groceries in the house? Leave her in the car? Bring her in the house first?

The same thing happened as I was mowing the grass yesterday. How am I gonna mow the grass with a baby and no husband?! Strap her to my back in the Ergo? Do it while she's napping and keep a baby monitor plastered to my ear in case she wakes up? Stick her in a playpen on the deck and hope she can entertain herself and not be terrified of a loud lawnmower? Hire a sitter? Hire a lawn boy? Call Grandma?

OMG! I'm freaking out, people. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I have 7-8 more months to continue the freak out. Who knows what crazy stuff will pop into my head between now and then!! Tell me this is normal, right?

Could It Be True?

2010-07-13T20:31:00.006-04:00

The July referral batch is late. But today we heard the first rumors of a cut off date. Normally that means referrals aren't far behind. They'll probably start landing by the end of the week.

Back to the more important news.... The Cut Off Date. It's rumored to be May 10th!!!!!

Now it's not officially official yet but there are some European agencies that have already posted it on their websites like it's the gospel. So the heavy leaning is towards this being accurate info.

And do you know what that means, y'all? It means they have just started referring the month before mine!! Right before mine. Like directly in front of it. And not only that...but there would be only 35 more days to be matched before they get to me. 35 days.

For those of you not obsessively doing the math, studying the averages, and forecasting the possibilities that means I will most likely see a referral in December or January. That is 6 months or less from right now. OMG!

When that realization hit me I felt like I was going to throw up. But in a good way. Not that vomiting is good...but you know what I mean. A wave of excitement started in the pit of my stomach and for the first time in almost 2 years I truly believed I'll make it to the end of this wait........with a daughter!

Heat Wave

2010-07-06T21:53:00.006-04:00

According to the weatherman, most of the Midwest and East Coast is suffering from some hell hot temperatures this week. I guess it's payback for those wonderful 75 degree, no humidity days last week. And let me just tell you...this sucks! I'm not a fan of 90+ weather. Not at all.

I waited until dark to water my flowerbeds thinking it might be a little cooler. Uhmm... not so much. I lasted until the sweat began running down my back and then gave up. Instead I retreated back into the AC and cracked open a Smirnoff-Ice... with emphasis on the "ice" part. Hopefully, this will help. Don't expect to see me outside until this weekend when supposedly the spell breaks and we return to normal.

So how's the weather where you are?

Next Year?

2010-07-04T11:27:00.006-04:00

My city has one of the most spectacular Independence Day fireworks displays around. People come from all over the area to watch the show. I love the fireworks but I hate going to the festival. I'm not a crowd person... especially when it's hot. Yes, I see the irony in the fact that I just described China, right? I'll just have to suck it up then. But when I have a choice in matters like these ... I'll choose comfort any day of the week. Which means staying the heck away from crowds, massive traffic jams, fighting for parking spaces, etc. I just stay home. Plus the show is so dang loud! My house is about 8 miles from downtown but I can still always hear the muffled booms. It's ridiculously loud when you're sitting right underneath the show.

But last night as I was driving home from a dinner out with friends I could see the fireworks display. Yes... it was actually July 3rd. The city has always celebrated Independence Day on the 3rd. I don't get the logic either... but whatev. Anyway, as I got closer to the city limits I realized I actually have a very good vantage point just a few blocks from my house. I never realized it before because of all the trees on my street that block the view. You know, because I'm usually At Home when the fireworks show is happening. LOL!

I had an amazing epiphany when I realized I could take Mia to see the fireworks close to home and without all the overwhelming crowds and loud noise. And then I was overcome with emotion when I realized we'd most likely be seeing the fireworks together next year.

Together! Next 4th of July.

Free At Last!

2010-06-29T20:17:00.006-04:00

Well, I finally broke down and joined the 21st century. I purchased a laptop. I know, I know.... a blogger without a laptop?! That's like Heidi M0ntag with no silicone, right? LOL! And yet... all these years, I've been locked in a room stuck in front of a giant, cumbersome, desktop computer as I surfed the net, played countless games of Bejeweled, liked or disliked status updates on Faceb00k, shopped for cute, crafty finds on Etsy, and blogged about all the important (and unimportant) factoids of my life.

But not anymore, baby. I've found my freedom! I can be anywhere in my house...ANYWHERE... and still be plugged in to the world wide web. In fact, I can be outside my house, too. Right at this very moment, I'm typing on my front porch while enjoying the gorgeous 75 degree-0 humidity summer evening. On.My.Front.Porch! Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?Okay... I realize this is old news to most of you who have enjoyed laptop ownership for years and years. But this is all new to me. I'm like a little baby just discovering the world for the very first time. And so far.... I freakin' LOVE it!!!!!

This Cracks Me Up

2010-06-25T10:06:00.001-04:00

Saw this on Faceb00k. It was too damn funny not to share.
Happy Weekend!

Did The Earth Just Move?

2010-06-23T19:49:00.005-04:00

It did! But unfortunately, not in the way that would put a big smile on my face. ;)

So here's the deal. I'm sitting at my desk this afternoon just typing away finishing some reports. When I suddenly feel like my chair is moving a little. Since that makes absolutely no sense I rationalize that since I skipped lunch I must be feeling lightheaded. That was until I took a sideways glance at my phone cord hanging off the side of the desk and realize it's swaying ever so slightly. Now I think I'm losing it .....so I yell out to the only other co-worker in the room at the time. I told him to sit perfectly still and tell me if he felt the building moving. He immediately noticed the water in his Aquafina bottle was rippling just a tiny little bit. We both were like WTF is going on?! It stopped after 30 seconds. Maybe a minute. Either way we just blew it off and thought we must be imagining it. You know... that whole power of suggestion thing.

Then I got home and saw the news. Apparently there was a 5.0 magnitude EARTH-freakin-QUAKE ..... in Canada!! And yet here in the middle of Ohio (okay...actually southwestern Ohio, not really the middle) I felt that sucker. Crazy!

Tatum's Ballet Recital

2010-06-21T20:02:00.013-04:00

A couple hours of dress rehearsal in the morning and then several more hours of the actual recital in the evening is just too much when you have 4 other kids to attend to. So my sister usually asks my mom or me to take Tatum for the morning session.
I managed to get her all dressed. Then it was a lot of standing around waiting for her turn to perform. A LOT of standing around actually. I thought this pic was cute. Whatever I said cracked her up right as I snapped it.
These two were engrossed in a very serious conversation backstage. Probably about Hannah-M0ntana or pink sparkly lip gloss. Or some other very important topic for 7 yr olds.
Much to the teacher's dismay, every little girl was doing something different on stage. Which is pretty much how the whole performance ended up. LOL!
Along with losing her two front teeth, Tatum also added a tumbling/acrobat class this year. So she had a quick costume alteration and then went back on stage.

Tatum is on the right.

She worked up an appetite with all that dancing, twirling, cartwheeling, somersaulting and tumbling. So I treated her to lunch. Oh and a shake, of course. :)

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T12:07:00.005-04:00

Ditto what my sister said ..... cuz I'm lazy like that. LOL! It's too much work to swipe her pics and re-post them here. But if you click over you'll see my brother-in-law with Tess, our brother with Braeden, and our dad with Tatum.
Hope all the Dads out there enjoy their day.

Life Is Good Again

2010-06-17T20:42:00.007-04:00

Got through the month of major suckage. The load has lightened quite a bit. Now I'm just having a hard time blogging because I'm super busy. But not cuz I'm totally stressed out. Finally! For this I am grateful.

And it's amazing how the month of June has become the total opposite of the month of May. My head and my heart are in such a better place. It's refreshing. And I'm actually feeling good again. Quite happy, in fact. It's fabulous the feeling a major attitude adjustment can bring out.

My brother is doing well and adjusting to his new marriage and new barber shop. My mother is getting settled in her new place. I'm enjoying spending time with the T's. We've had some "all by myself" sleepovers recently. You know, just one kid at a time. Which is a major treat for a sibling group of 5. It's been a treat for me, too. To have this opportunity to bond with them one on one. And I expect more sleepovers now that summer is here and school is out. I've been to baseball and tee ball games and watched Tatum as she rehearsed for her big annual dance recital. They always seem to have something going on.

I'm trying to take advantage and appreciate my freedom while it lasts. So I've been hanging out with my girlfriends more, too. Going to movies, out for dinner, or just sitting on the porch with a cocktail. I love these times and wish I wouldn't have been so foggy these last couple years to have cherished them more. But I'm making up for all that adoption haze and depression now. I'm having more fun than I've had in a long time.... and it feels wonderful!

I've been spending a lot of time in my outside spaces now that summer has arrived. The fresh air and beautiful sunshine have done wonders for my soul. I made a very wise decision this year and paid a landscaper to do the big spring overhaul. It was sooooo worth it. He got done in a few hours what would have taken me weeks. And it looks better than ever! Sadly, I lost an entire batch of flowers that were mistaken for weeds. Yeah... I didn't get it either. I mean, he's the professional after all. But it worked out in my favor. He replaced them with even better flowers and I'm loving the look of the beds so much more.

Sitting outside when your yard is pretty and you didn't have to do the work to get it like that is incredibly relaxing. Just for my sense of sanity that money was well spent. I think he'll be coming back every spring from now on.

On another topic, several years ago I drifted away from my since-7th grade-BFF. Not cuz of any one thing. No big falling out. Just time, obligations and other silly bullshit. But we've recently reconnected and patched things up. It was like not missing a beat. My BFF is back and I'm so incredibly happy! No one knows me like she does. We have so much history together. I've really missed her and didn't realize just how empty that space in my heart was after she left it. But it's full again. Overflowing, in fact.

BFF also has 3 kids that I helped raise. They were all born before we hit age 20. Far too young to be raising babies. So we grew up quite a bit ourselves in their early years. They've also returned to my life and I'm absolutely ecstatic over that! I tried to stay in touch with them in spite of the distance with their mom but it was difficult. So there were gaps of time when we just simply lost touch. It's like not missing a beat with them either. I've really missed my A's. Ashlee, Adryan and Alexis. She chose names like my sister did. LOL!

As we reconnect, I've realized how much they've grown up. They're all 3 in separate places now. So my recent contact with them has been individually. Which is so interesting. As kids they always came as a package deal. I never had the opportunity to get to know them on their own. And it's really amazing. I've always known them. But now I really know them. They're all fascinating in their own right. It's such a gift to be able to enjoy this time with them as they start to strike out on their own and make their way in the world.

I've also noticed the hard times they've struggled through has given them a greater appreciation for the people who have always unconditionally loved and supported them. Or maybe it's that they're more mature now. Or maybe it's the absence of me that has made them more aware. Or maybe it's just that we're getting to know each other all over again on a much deeper level. Whatever the case... it's like a huge love fest over here now. LOL! They're all 3 more affectionate, more open with their emotions, talking about their feelings.... and I'm loving every bit of it. These were my first babies and oh how I've missed them. :)

BFF has also added 2 younger children since she's been married. I didn't have the same relationship with them as with the first 3 just because of circumstance. But I'm welcoming the opportunity to add them into my circle and get to know them, too. Plus there are also now 4 grandchildren for BFF. All beautiful, smart, amazing little people.

Anyone who knows me understands how much my family means to me. Especially the children in my life. And it feels like my family is finally intact again. She was always like the fourth child to my mother. I had numbed the pain of that missing piece. I didn't realize just how much her absence had hurt me until I had her back. Had all of them back. That pain makes the happiness that much sweeter though. I can't wait to welcome my own daughter into this great big crazy group.

Speaking of that.... I'm also, for the first time since probably 2006, in a Really Good Place with the adoption. All the paperwork nonsense is done. I'll probably have to renew my immigration stuff one more time. But it'll be very simple. And more importantly... free! So it's all good.

But most of all, I'm starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. And it's so welcome cuz this tunnel has been very dark at times. Some of that numbness and detachment is starting to lift. Just a little. I suspect it will peel back like layers of an onion as each month passes and I get closer to referral. But I'm starting to believe again. Believe that this process really will end in a baby. And soon!

Well, "soon" is a relative term when you've waited over 4 yrs. I'm predicting a referral in Jan or Feb at this point. That's soon to me. Cuz anything less than a year is a piece of cake. But we'll have to wait and see. It could push out further. But for the first time in a very very very long time, I'm okay with my time line.

And I'm happy again. I'm sure I'll have my moments... but I really hope this feeling lasts. Cuz I like it! :)

Another Year Passes

2010-06-14T14:10:00.004-04:00

It's been

4 Years
or
48 Months
or
208 Weeks
or
1462 Days
or
about 35,100 Hours
or
A Long Damn Time!
Since my dossier was logged in
But I'll keep waiting for my Mia until China calls.
And she'll be worth the wait.

All The Reasons May 2010 Sucks

2010-05-16T10:18:00.009-04:00

This post could also be titled "Why I've Had A Headache For Several Weeks But Keep Blaming Allergies". Or "Dammit I Gained 5 Pounds". Or "Maybe That Was Too Bitchy". Or "I Really Need A Vacation." Or "Just Keep Smiling They'll Never Know".

I got more but let's just move on.

So I said to my brother yesterday that I can't wait for May to be over. It's been a busy, stressful, made of suck kind of month. Hence the lack of blog posting, reading and commenting. And the occasional bitchy mood if you've encountered me in real life. "Made of suck"... isn't that an awesome description? I can't take credit for it. Borrowed from a new blogger friend.

May of 2010 started with my brother's wedding. It was nice to see family and I was happy to see my brother make his own little family "official". But it was also a little stressful. Remember that mention of family? Not even gonna open this can of worms. Just take my word for it. There was a certain amount of suck associated with the event. I just hope the bride and groom didn't feel any ripple effects of it.

Then a couple days later I had to qualify. Which means shoot my gun for score. It's a job requirement. This always stresses me out. I know I can shoot. But I psyche myself out and get nervous. I literally wake up the morning of quals feeling sick to my stomach. I'm always so incredibly relieved when it's over and I've passed.

I'm a creature of habit so when my routine is off... then I'm off. I have a couple training classes this month. The training I appreciate if it's beneficial. Unfortunately, sometimes it's just a waste of time. But these training days tend to throw me off kilter because of the disruption in sameness my brain seems to handle easier.

Yes I see the irony in mentioning sameness, habit and routine when I'm about to bring a child into my life. Which will completely rock my world in both good and bad ways. My life will never be the same again. These facts are adding to the things swirling in my head. But that's a post of it's own probably.

I also have more than my normal amount of court this month. Important court stuff, I mean. A few "Motions to Suppress". Which is when the defense requests a hearing before a judge to try to get all your evidence thrown out. If they succeed, then the case tanks. For the stuff that has now become a routine part of my job (like Grand Jury or Preliminary Hearings), I prepare to testify by reading my supplemental report on the 5 minute walk to the court building. Yes... I am Just That Good. But for a MTS or a trial I actually have to study a little to keep my testimony straight. Plus I can always expect to get attacked on the stand by the defense attorney. That's their tactic. Try to make the case detective look like an idiot or a liar or corrupt or all of the above to help their guilty ass client fair better. I truly don't know how some of these people sleep at night. But that's a whole other story. Anyhoo... the point is stressful court appearances are making the month of May suck even more.

Let's throw in Mother's Day. Do I even need to explain why this day sucks? I haven't really decided whether it's a good thing or not that all my family and friends ignore me on this day. Do I even want them to try to acknowledge this commitment in my heart to a daughter that started over 5 freakin' Mother's Days ago? Aren't you pregnant as soon as you pee on a stick and get a positive? Then people recognize you as a mother-to-be. Isn't it the same when you sign a contract to adopt a child? But yet.... it's not. And it sucks. If there's still no kid next year we'll revisit this discussion. Thank goodness my online peeps get it. At least there's that.

My brother's in the middle of trying to renovate an office space to open a barber shop of his own. This will eventually be a good thing. But this month it's created a massive amount of stress on him. Which gets absorbed by me as well. I'm the oldest. It's always been my job to take care of my sister and brother. I wanna be able to help him more. I want other people to wanna help him more. I want this process to get done faster so he can get this place open for business this week like he hopes. June will be better but you guessed it...May sucks.

This month has also consisted of trying to work out details to move my mother to a different place. I can't even begin to explain why I think all of this may be creating an ulcer for me because she reads the blog and all of that would just upset her and create more stress for the family. (Sorry mom.) All I can say is...even during the last 4 years of this wait for my child I haven't wanted time to pass so strongly like I've wished away this month. Please let's just fast forward to June already.

Police memorial week always begins the onslaught of memories of this day as well. I mean why the hell not, right? My head is already in a pretty messed up place so why not add some more shit to the mix to keep it interesting.

May 2010 has been full of suck. Suck suck and more suck. I'm really looking forward to June for no other reason than May will be over. Then maybe I can breathe and this overwhelming urge to just pull the covers over my head will go away.

Just an added disclaimer that I'm a glass half full kinda girl. It physically pains me to bitch about my circumstances. I feel incredibly guilty... like I'm not being grateful for all the blessings in my life. Like somehow I'm not allowed to acknowledge my stress, the rough spots, the tough stuff. Because there's always someone who has it worse than me. Someone who can run over me with a steamroller of perspective in a second.

And that just sucks even more. Because even when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders I don't feel like it's okay for me to admit it. WTF is that all about? Why do I not feel entitled to a bad day? Or a bad month for that matter? Why so much guilt over it? Just rhetorical questions. No need to answer.

Is it June yet?

I'm In Good Company

2010-05-09T12:37:00.014-04:00

These celebrities are all women who were single at the time they chose to become mothers through adoption.
Bravo, ladies.

Meg Ryan and Daisy

Diane Keaton with Dexter and Duke

Angelina Jolie with Maddox and Zahara

Calista Flockhart and Liam

Mary Louise Parker and Caroline

Sheryl Crow and Wyatt

Madonna and Mercy

Michelle Pfeiffer and Claudia

Sharon Stone with Roan, Laird and Quinn

Mia Farrow

Rosie O' Donnell and Parker

Happy Mother's Day
to mothers everywhere
no matter how you chose to build your family.
And to those who are still waiting for that dream to come true.

Congratulations Travis & Kristy!

2010-05-02T23:47:00.005-04:00

My little brother got married yesterday.
May they have a long and happy life together.
And a classic quote from my brother-in-law who also married into the crazy:
"Welcome to the dysfunctional family!"
LOL!

Questions Answered

2010-04-27T20:46:00.007-04:00

Sorry to leave y'all hanging but life got busy. Things will calm down for me in about a week and I'll get back here more often. But for now I just wanted to answer a few questions I got about Mia's Nursery.

This wall bookshelf came from Pottery-Barn-Kids. I wanted to display the adoption and China related books. But wanted something to keep them out of her reach while she's younger and hell bent on destruction. LOL!
The wall quote is vinyl and came from this Etsy shop. They were actually sold as two different quotes but I really liked them together. I contacted the shop owner and we custom designed this to fit the space and in the font I wanted. She was awesome to work with! I highly recommend them.
The flowers are plastic. I got them here. The idea is to place small tacks in the wall and the flower snaps onto it. I've also seen some that attach with magnets. But I live in an old house with plaster walls. I couldn't get the tacks hammered in without bending them. So I hot glued the flowers straight on the wall. Seriously I did. One will pop off every now and again. But I just dab on some glue and stick it back on. No damage to the paint and I can move them around without leaving all the little tack holes in the wall.
The cubbie system came from IKEA. It's an open unit. The drawers and cabinets are add ons. They can be configured however you like. The line is called Expedit and they have all kinds of different pieces including smaller shelving that you can actually hang on the wall, desks that can be attached, etc. It comes in different colors, too. Very cool piece, super sturdy and totally inexpensive. I'm thinking about changing out the knobs though. They seem too modern with the feel of the room. We'll see.
Thanks so much for all the compliments! And if anyone has any other questions about the products or ideas in the room, just ask in the comments here. I'm happy to share info. :)

The Big Reveal

2010-04-19T16:02:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, I started a post to reveal Mia's finished nursery. It got very picture heavy. Very. Which isn't actually a bad thing since so many have expressed interest in seeing it. But it was just too much for one blog post. So with that in mind, I decided to create a small blog just to document the project. Creating this special place for my daughter was a lot of work but totally worth all the effort. It's everything I've always imagined in my head. My dream nursery. It's my happy place. It renews my spirit, my faith and my hope that someday soon a little girl really will live here.
I absolutely love it!! I think Mia will, too, someday.

So without further adieu .....
Mia's Nursery.

TGIF!

2010-04-16T16:43:00.003-04:00

There's a margarita out there somewhere with my name on it.
And I'm not giving up 'til I find it.
Happy Friday!

PS. Mia's room is finally finished. Stay tuned for pics on Monday or Tuesday.
It's freakin' awesome!

Disgusted *(Update at bottom)

2010-04-13T20:51:00.012-04:00

Everywhere you turn people are talking about it. The Tennessee woman who put her 7 yr old adopted son on a plane back to Russia with a note basically saying she didn't want him anymore. Read the story here if you've been living under a rock.

I just don't understand what this woman was thinking. This little boy is not a pair of shoes you can just return to the store if they don't fit. He's a child. How could she possibly think this was a logical answer? To just put him on a plane with a note?? I don't get that. In fact, I'm quite disgusted by it all.

Disruption is the unpleasant truth in the world of adoption. We all know they happen. We just don't like to talk about it. While I personally could never even entertain the thought of relinquishing the child I've fought so hard to get, I can empathize with the desperation a family must feel to make that choice. I may not agree with it. But I can't pass judgement when I haven't walked in their shoes.

But this was NOT the way to disrupt your adoption. And quite frankly, I don't feel like she worked hard enough to get to the point where that was the only option left.

First of all, she only had him for 6 months. That's not enough time for either mom or the child to have properly adjusted to the changes in their lives or for this boy to have formed a healthy attachment to mom. Most importantly, everything I've read says she sought the advice of a psychologist but didn't have her son seen by one. With the behaviors she says he exhibited? Why would you not seek treatment for him?

The failings of her social worker and her agency are a whole other issue. But I blame her to a certain degree for not fully understanding what she was taking on. There's always a risk of behavior issues, attachment disorders, etc when adopting any child who has suffered neglect, abuse, trauma, early separation from a caregiver and/or institutionalized care. I'm concerned about these things even with the adoption of my infant daughter from China. But this absolutely should have been cause for concern in an older child from a Russian orphanage.

Certainly this woman should have educated herself. "Should have" are the key words in that sentence. I mean hell... just click above on the word "disruption" and you get Wikipedia's definition. Even if she'd have read that she would have been better prepared for the possibilities she faced regardless of how anyone else sugarcoated it.

I especially hate that the narrow minded people of the world are already throwing her single status out there as a reason for her failings. That because she's unmarried she didn't properly parent this child. Puh-leeze!

It'll be interesting to see how this all plays out in the end. But right now Russia is so angry they're threatening to suspend all adoptions to Americans. As a fellow waiting parent, my heart goes out to the families whose adoptions are in jeopardy because of this woman's actions. There's a letter here asking both the US and Russian presidents to ensure that intercountry adoption continues uninterrupted and to aggressively investigate and prosecute anyone involved in the abuse of children. Please consider signing it.

** Updated to add: She was apparently trying to adopt a second child soon after returning home. That story is here. This just makes me ill. The family is also trying to say their actions to send the boy back was on the advice of an attorney which according to this blog is not true at all. And this contact was made over a month ago. This just gets more and more ridiculous.

Party Girl? Why Yes I Am!

2010-04-09T12:44:00.013-04:00

I'm always up for a party and since I've been in a blogging slump lately I thought this might give me some motivation. Plus I love finding new and interesting reads myself. So here goes...

The short version. I'm a single (divorced actually) mom-to-be who chose to build my family through an adoption from China. In 2006, the wait was about 12-18 mths from the time your dossier landed in China until they matched you with a baby. Unfortunately, after I joined the line it got slower... and slower and slower. I've been waiting 46 months. Yes, you heard right. Almost 4 years just waiting to become a mom! And I don't expect a referral until late this year or early next. Until I meet my daughter I keep myself busy being the super cool fun aunt to 6 nieces and nephews and the mommy to one very spoiled little Pomeranian.

Most of the really deep stuff about me you can find over in my sidebar under the section "The History of Krista". Everything from why I decided to become a single mom by choice, to why I chose adoption as the way to get there, to the story about how I almost died...but didn't, and the seriously hysterical story of how I delivered my sister's baby in her bathtub. Go ahead I know you want to read that one. LOL!

And if you scroll down the sidebar a little bit you can even meet my sister and her 5 children or my future sis-in-law or check out my very talented brother's photography hobby.

Occasionally I share funny stories about my job as a police detective. But sometimes I talk about the heartbreak of the career I've chosen. Mostly I just blather on about whatever floats my boat on that particular day.

So if you find something interesting here, dig around in the archives, get to know me a little and follow along as I continue on this journey to my daughter. Don't forget to leave me a comment cuz I'd love to meet ya, too. :)

And make sure to stop by the 5 Minutes For Mom blog to get in on the 2010 Ultimate Blog Party. It's a chance to meet new bloggers and possibly win some fabulous prizes. I'd love to win the Grand Prize- a Toshiba laptop! Can you believe I'm a blogger that STILL doesn't own a laptop? Ridiculous, I know.

My other top prize picks are the $150 shopping spree from Pedal Cars and Retro Collectibles or A Rocking Horse to Love cuz in spite of my daughter's overflowing closet she doesn't really have very many toys yet. And I'm totally digging the $450 Human Touch Foot and Calf Massager cuz it looks fabulous. They also have a lot of gift cards I'd love to win including ones to Target, Amazon, Restaurant.com, Disney Store, etc. Check it out. There's a lot of really cool stuff!

Starting the Downhill Stretch

2010-04-05T20:05:00.005-04:00

It's official. After much stress, a heated battle, a formidable compromise and a few tears.... I'm finally DONE with paperwork. For now anyway. My last and final homestudy is complete, approved by the new adoption agency and has been received by USCIS. It's good for 2 years in the state of Ohio. So I should certainly have my daughter home before it expires in March 2012. If not, you'll be visiting me in the looney bin so my homestudy won't matter anyway. LOL!

My wonderful social worker (who also battled a bit with new adoption agency over their demands when they red inked what she thought was her finished homestudy) said the sweetest thing when we signed off on the paperwork. She said... "the next time I come over it'll be for the 6 month post placement visit". There was something a little surreal in that statement. Am I really that close to a referral?

Well ... yes and no. I'm closer than I've ever been. In fact, if China continues at this pace my prediction is December. Of THIS year. As in 8 months from now! I'm still not sure I believe that. And, of course, there's always the disclaimer that anything can happen in the rollercoaster of China adoption. Speed up, slow down. Who really knows? We shall see...

But the last homestudy is done. What a relief! I love just saying those words.... The Last Homestudy. I'll have to be fingerprinted again for USCIS before I travel to China because that will for sure expire. And I'm on the bubble for my I-171H (immigration stuff for my non-adoption friends). It expires in March 2011. But even if I have to renew again it should be pretty easy. The hardest part is done.

Done... and I'm happy.